[ME]: *pointing up to the sky writer plane* it’s a message for you babe
[GF]: oh how romantic
[SKYWRITER]: KATE WILL YOU MA-
[GF]: omg yes i wi-
[ME]: wait keep watching
[SKYWRITER]: -KE SURE TO BUY THE NAME BRAND COCOA PUFFS NEXT TIME LIKE I ASKED YOU IDIOT
You Might Also Like
how did this penguin get in my apartment??!?!
I’m developing an app that makes a cricket sound effect at the end of my coworkers’ stories.
Nobody associated with Pizza Hut better say anything controversial. I need my stuff crust pizza
Hasbulla scolds a kid for pinching his cheek 😭😭😭
My daughter just called it the “Heimlich Remover” and I’m choking with laughter.
NOBODY MOVE I LOST AN HOUR
“There’s a sleeping person. Let’s go ask it questions.” – Children
i bring a card table with me where I go for thanksgiving in case the host’s furniture is too heavy to flip
That was THE best 10 hours of sleep I’ve ever had.
Thanks for asking me to sleep with you!
Huh. You look upset.
My husband and I keep the spark alive in our marriage.
I send flirty pictures of stuff I want to buy and he sends flirty little messages like, “I thought we agreed to save money.”
[Name origins]
Mr. Miller: I grind wheat into flour.
Mrs. Smith: I hammer iron on an anvil.
Mr. Duckworth: THAT MALLARD SHOULD COST $6.
[walking on beach]
[find bottle with message in it]
Message: IS YOUR FRIDGE RUNNING?
[another bottle with message washes against my feet]
Why did they call it bacon fat and not oinkment omg I’m so sorry
May you never lose your sense of wonder.
My heart says food, food and more food…but my jeans say, for the love of God, eat salad😪
Finished building birdhouse. Bird couple coming by tomorrow. In their price range.
Wrestling is obviously fake.
Why would two people fight
over a belt when neither of
them are wearing pants?
Mom: why do you drink so much
Me: *stares at mom*
I have a habit of 5 starring bad movies on amazon because if I wasted 90+ minutes on that crap, I want you to suffer too.
Me: You’re kidnapping me? Where’re we going? Can we feed my cats first? Is there a ransom? Cool van. My name-
Him: Changed my mind. Get out.
[HIGH SCHOOL]
teacher: you’ll use calculus one day
[AGE 40]
me: *standing on textbook to get twinkies from high shelf* whoa how did she know
The Supreme Court was making history, holding arguments over the phone because of Covid-19, when all of a sudden there was the distinct sound of a toilet flushing.
Me: I like the cuddles more than the rough hugs.
Coach: Again, they’re called “huddles” and “tackles.”
What kind of deranged lunatic gets home from a long night at the bar and eats a piece of fruit?
[the best zoom meetings]
host: can you hear me ok?
everyone: no
host: let’s just reschedule
everyone: great
TRAIN’S HERE
In summer, I drive with hands at 11 and 1 so the air conditioner vents point directly at my armpits.
To everyone who wrote “stay cool” in my middle school year book…I have some devastating news
Batman cuts off a seemingly innocuous driver in the Batmobile, only to deal with the driver later, with the help of Superman #ChangingBanes
Harry Potter Diss Track
Hey Voldemort, yeah I said your name.
You’re a dude in a dress, I’m Hall of Fame.
Avada Kedavra didn’t get the job done.
You got owned by a baby, it’s over I won.
You did kill my parents, it’s true I suppose.
all I can say is where the f*%k is your nose?