Maybe next year… ☔️
#GreatBritishSummer #Rain
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Fact: People do their most creative problem solving when they’re drunk.
(I didn’t say best, I said creative)
That second remote is only useful for that one button on it which you push to switch from the first remote to the third remote.
using telepathy to make the delivery guy get my package here NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or…
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face
My toddler took a sip of my margarita and made an adorable pucker-face. She went back for a 2nd sip and giggled. After sips 3 & 4 she called her daycare friends to say she missed them. Things got ugly with sip 5 when she started blaming her stuffed animals for society’s problems.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years
Me: punching a goose in its mouth
Interviewer: you know actually we’ve already filled the position
Me: *clenches fist* was it a goose
Dogs: I could vomit on the vinyl floor but this carpet two inches to the right seems better
Pretty sure this is the only account you need right now➡️@thefunnytweeter
advice to my younger self: dont bang that old man on his helicopter he’s not joe biden
Person: *falls in love with me*
Me: I have felt bad for a spoon I accidentally threw away because it probably thinks I don’t want it anymore and, why is it the only spoon the in the trash.
Person: ok cool, never mind.
I don’t consider it a good night out if it doesn’t end up as a super villain’s origin story
Having lunch at eleven in the morning because I don’t want anything to interfere with my afternoon nap.
[having helped prep some pistachios while my wife spends two hours putting together the rest of the meal] How about those nuts, huh? You can really taste the deshelling
Who the hell buys furniture online? Why would you buy a chair or couch you can’t even sit in? What if it has burlap cushions stuffed w/hay?
Why use 2 A’s in the name Aaron? Why not 17? What’s stopping us?
I know how to use an abacus as a tambourine.
Day One, living in one of those tiny houses: “Well, isn’t this quaint?”
Day Two: Murder
I hate when I’m getting a back rub & he stops 3 mins in & says “my thumbs hurt.” It’s not like I ever say “My jaw hurts.” I finish the job.
I wonder if Houdini ever locked himself out of the house.
One time i saw a man eat a whole apple, core and everything. Motherboard and power supply too. The man ate a computer it was horrifying
I think tomorrow I’m going to respond to everyone using only lyrics from songs by The Dead Deads. Wish me some luck at the DMV.
[checks Facebook & sees my 4th grade girlfriend has liked my hot chocolate recipe share]
ME: I knew she’d come crawling back to me one day
Me when I wear 4 inch heels
When my goldfish starts acting like a jerk I remind him that his bowl is microwave-safe
hot girl at the club: so can i get your phone number?
me: hell yeah
girl: how about your address?
me: oh for sure, come by
girl: and your mother’s maiden name?
me: wait what
My bank doesn’t feel I’m doing enough to clear my debt but I think they should give me more credit.
Yes, milk from cows tastes nice. But to the person that first found that out..you have issues bro
Me: coming to the office Xmas party?
Steve: no [whispers] Lisa just lost her father
Me: there’ll be like 50 of us there. We’ll help you look
HER: it’s over between us
ME: is it because of all my embroidery puns?
HER: I thought you would stop
ME: sew it seamed