Sharks would be a lot less scary if they had ears.
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I Wasn’t Paying Attention to the Zoom Until I Heard My Name Called: A Memoir
On one hand, I’m intrigued by witchcraft. On the other hand, it seems like it involves a lot of chopping and cooking.
Clark Kent “I have a confession”
Lois Lane “what is it?”
*Clark removes his glasses*
Lois “Is it a bird?”
Clark “WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU”
Morgan Freeman: Get busy living or get busy dying
Me: Hell yeah![After spending a week with me]
Morgan Freeman: Which….which one are you doing?
some Old Testament wisdom
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood!
Me, a waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Dracula: *sighing* I guess.
DOCTOR [hitting me with his car] This is for not eating that apple
Hi Barbara? Yeah I just saw the posters you put up and no, I have not seen your cat but I’d love to. Is now a good time to come take a look?
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *furiously trying to swallow a mouthful of mattress tag stickers* no
My daughter forgot her gym uniform at home. When I arrived at her school to drop it off, I realized I also forgot the uniform.
I see where she gets it from.
If you ever want your phone to ring just try to take a nap, it’s science
a friend was telling me about a guy she’s breaking up with and at one point she said “he does these weird eye and ear exercises” and at the end i was like “i’m sorry you’re going thru this” waited the appropriate 20 seconds and said “can you teach me the eye and ear exercises”
My daughter, when I ask her to clean up.
no one:
my 5yo: you can’t be mad without eyebrows
I’m not saying I don’t miss my kids while I’m at work but it’s nice knowing with absolute certainty that for the eight hours I’m there no one will try to follow me into the bathroom.
The guy I’ve been paying to pick up poop in my backyard just realized that I don’t own any animals.
Turns out it wasn’t vertigo causing me to run into things, it was vodka.
Wife’s outta her goddamn mind if she thinks I won’t purposely fall off this ladder to prove we should’ve hired someone to wash the windows.
The best part of marriage is faking a deep sleep so he’ll let the dog out in the morning.
Life begins and ends with diaper rash, so enjoy the time in between.
I wish I was as committed to anything the way infomercial actors are committed to over dramatizing their reaction to household chores.
I’m THIS MANY drunk!!
*holds up waffle*
The worst thing about dating is bringing a nice guy home after dinner, only to find your husband home early from work.
Why put it off till tomorrow when you can get a jumpstart and start screwing it up today.
If you’re gonna name your son after you, at least make it interesting. Like, instead of Junior, go with something like “Jeff 2: Revenge of the Jeff
I just found a Cheerio in my sofa and we don’t have any Cheerios in this house.
*eats it
The problem with hiding snacks from my kid is that when I forget they end up being hidden from me too
I picked up some socks off the floor and my 4yo said, “I was just going to do that.” Now I’m waiting for him to start asking why there are so many lights on in this house
ME: I’m glad we don’t feel confined to traditional relationship gender roles. Who cares what the man or woman is SUPPOSED to be? We are who we are.
GIRLFRIEND: If you don’t want to kill the spider don’t kill the spider.
ME: It’s just SO big.