My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
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Based on the musicians who thanked him at the Grammys, I gotta say: I’m not crazy for God’s taste in music.
[trying to fit in with people at the gym]
me: *takes a big swig of gatorade* wow you can really taste the gator
me: *hand on his shoulder* you can’t save everybody. just call time of death
doctor: you have a sprained ankle
Friend: did you know that only female mosquitos bite?
*later walking home*
Me, getting eaten alive: evening ladies
The negotiation skills of my 6yo about how many more bites she has to eat make me want her on my side the next time I make an offer to buy a house.
writers love saying things like “he had a toothy grin” what is a toothy grin. just making shit up. “he walked feetily into the kitchen” that’s how you sound
Dog: I have mange
Baby Jesus: I have manger
Dog: It’s not a competition
Ghost cat: how’d you die?
Ghost dog: i bit a guy that ran over my best pal and they put me down
GC: i got hit by a car
GD: I know
GC: ilu
If you think you’re attracted to me, just know that I make my sandwiches like this:
Having to redownload the HBO app on four devices was the worst thing to happen to me since COVID.
Inspired by T.G.I.Fridays, I opened a place called C.L.I.Thursdays. It closed down though because most guys couldnt find it
Me: want a grilled cheese?
6yo: no. How about a cheeseburger without the meat.
Me: you got it.
I told my daughter to check her attitude and she looks at me and said “For complaints about attitude please contact the manufacturer.”
Well played, well played!
[first date]
HER: What are you doing with the Tupperware?
ME: [filling container] The sign says ‘All You Can Eat’, it doesn’t specify when
Where in the hell are Dora the Explorer’s parents? Do they know she’s riding a damn crocodile into a volcano?
I definitely thought I would have shot the lock off of something by now in my life.
That moment when you hear a weird noise in the house and you’re so lazy you think “Meh, whatever. I had a good run.”
I talk like a sailor in front of my kid. He’s gonna swear anyway and I want him to be good at it.
“Alex is visiting later tonight.”
Alex from work or Alex the astronaut with amazing hearing?
[From the moon] It’s not me, Thelma. Hi Bob.
Husband: Tell me a fantasy of yours.
Me: So you go back to the office for work.
Husband: And?
Me: And?
[me as a ship’s navigator in the 1740s] omg you’re gonna be so mad at me…but i think that was supposed to be our trade wind back there
whats wrong?
“the bills”
we need to cut costs
“any suggestions”
at least 3
[my backup singers] 🎶I think she’s talking abou-
“not now ladies”
wife: aww, you cleaned the kitchen counter
me, moments after dropping the water pitcher: yes, yes i did
Obligatory April 25th Meme Tweet 😆
Elderly Woman: Excuse me, young man…could you help m-
Me: I have a grandma.
Yep. Yep. Yep. Yeppity. Yep. Yeppers. Yep.
We’ll see. I don’t know. But, for sure! Maybe.– me receiving an invitation of any kind
interviewer: we like to think of ourselves as a family. we like to have fun.
me: well, which is it?
It was the Bleh of Times,
It was the Meh of Times…
moth *repeatedly bashing itself against my computer monitor*
me: it’s not a touchscreen you have to use the mouse
Your brain needs exercise just as much as your body does
That’s why I think of running everyday