Texted Mom a question & she didn’t answer right away. I’m going to send 4 more texts & 3 voicemails to give her a taste of her own medicine.
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Emotional awareness simply means recognizing, respecting, and accepting your feelings as they happen.
📸: @livinglyfree
#emotion #positivemindset #PositiveVibes #selfcare #selfcare
GUY: looks like your truck could use some work
ME [patting it]: indeed
GUY [looking at a clipboard] alrighty, does it have any clerical skills?
How to Talk To A Woman Who Is Hiding Behind That Plant. Now She’s In The Alley. Wow, She’s A Fast Runner. How To Talk To The Police.
[hotel]
wife: I’m gonna go change. Find us a movie, ok? *winks*
me: Ok!
*wife comes out in lingerie*
wife: What’d you pick?
me: Space Jam
Met Office warns snow could cut off rural communities from the rest of the UK, coming as huge relief to people living in rural communities.
The guy said “Violence is never the answer” and I said “What if the question is ‘What is never the answer?’” and he punched me in the face.
Reporter: What can you tell us about the asteroid you recently discovered?
Astronomer: No, comet.
Lambs: “BAAAAAAAAA!!!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhhhh!”
Lambs: “Baaaa!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhh…”
Lambs: “…”
Hannibal Lecter: “Much better.”
where do y’all wanna go tonight? Bars? The club?
“THE BOG OF DESPAIR”
Gary, after the forest of skulls debacle you don’t get to pick anymore
I’m invited to a wedding this weekend.
I have two days to come up with a disease or cut off a finger.
Them: Why are you late?
Me: I’m not allowed to run over cyclists.
all these baby pumpkins drained of their spice and discarded behind a Starbucks
Me: Are you going to travel by ship to the new world?
Husband: Huh?
Me: Are you going to the witch stoning?
Husband: What?
Me: Are you going to grab your musket and join the minute men?
Husband:
Do teenagers have to meet a weekly eye roll quota because at this rate my daughter will be the MVP this year.
Within every clean home is a room with a closed door containing a large pile of miscellaneous shit that someone just tossed in there.
colleges: i’m going to put you in so much debt you can’t even breathe
also colleges: *teary voice* what do you mean you won’t donate to our alumni fund
Me: Is the natural state of the soul quiet or chaos?
Taco Bell cashier: Look buddy, it’s transient, shifting like water
Me: “Take me to your leader!”
60,000 bees: *Just stuffing me awkwardly into the hive*
Interviewer: What would you like to get out of this job?
Me: As many free office supplies as possible.
Marked down Easter Reese’s Peanut butter cups got me forgetting I’m supposed to be intermittent fasting.
Nephew: omg look at how thick your ipad is.
Me: That’s a book.
This year I’m the Invisible Man for Halloween, according to this bartender that apparently hasn’t seen me standing here for an hour
the best sex is the kind that keeps your neighbor up all night. that’s what my neighbors are having.
People: Dogs can always sense someone’s true colors.
Dogs: WTF is “colors”?
This hospital has everything
DEFENSE: Your Honor, will you allow my client to escape?
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
PROSECUTOR: Aw WTF
JUDGE: Let’s see where he goes with this
My husband just told me the scariest thing that a husband should never tell his wife. “I think I’m getting sick.”
Is it weird to think about mac and cheese during sex?
Ma’am, I just tear the movie tickets. But yes, it’s weird.