Johnny Depp would have made an excellent Catwoman.
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When I was your age we had to walk barefoot two miles uphill in the snow to Twitter
Wife: Could you be dehydrated?
Me: Of course not.
W: How much water have you had?
Me: Two coffees & a bourbon.
W: Wow.
Me: Told you.
Girl, are you a barnacle? Because you suck and I can’t get you off my boat
“Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil..”
Him: Do you have to say that everytime we visit my mom?
90% of parenting is asking, “Did you _?” when you know damned well that they didn’t.
“What’s funny?”
The microwave beeping as you walked backwards.
“Why’s that funny?”
Because large objects beep going in reverse, Diane.
Did you hear what happened when the local theater stopped paying the heat bill?
Coldplay.
me: thanks for letting me work from home
boss: *turns off shower* I meant your home
Interviewer: You list excellent negotiator on your resume. Could you provide an example?
Me: *slow winks, slides $5 across table* I’m hired
Remember the bridge you drive over today was built by the lowest bidder.
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Liam Neeson: Unknown
Doctor: Does it hurt?
Liam Neeson: Non-stop
Doctor: Are you on painkillers?
Liam Neeson: Taken two
Doctor: Are you just listing your films?
Liam Neeson: Batman Begins
Me: I’m so emotional today
8 ice cream sandwiches: We can help!
“I can’t wait to see what my Happy Meal prize is! Wait…what the -”
[U2 is playing a free concert in the box]
Nothing is better than working out to 80s music. Except listening to 80s music without working out.
I’ve never understood why someone would rob a liquor store for the money.
I approach.
“Girl are you a couch? Cuz I’m gonna try & fail to pick you up.”
She laughs. “I’m Jen.”
My training hasn’t prepared me for this.
So far the hardest thing about learning how to swallow swords has been cutting the swords up into chewable chunks.
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
Me: I can’t believe it’s not butter!!
Wife: Well, that’s suntan lotion so I don’t know why you’re surprised
Me: *continues eating
Me: If the sun has a finite life can we really save the planet?
Wife: TAKE THE RECYCLING OUT!
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you” – Translation: I’m not worried because I’m not you
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can’t read
ME: thanks what else does it say
no regrets
Gorilla glue is amazing. I haven’t seen a broken gorilla in years
I just ate an apple to keep doctors off me, now what do I need to eat to dodge the cops?
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot….. I then went inside and spent $447. Brillianty played, IKEA.
Was Darth Vader a humidifier or dehumidifier?
Hide all your naughty entertainment on VHS. Even if your kids find it, they will not know what to do with it.
Nice Confederate flag bro, way to commemorate coming in second place in a civil war.
My gf thought it was so cute when she found out I owned a pair of tap shoes
Until I got drunk, and put them on