That awkward moment when a person says they need their beauty sleep when what they really need is plastic surgery.
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Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“Cuz im going too fast?”
Cop: Yes, slow down.
“But it’s been 6 months-”
Cop: U can’t move in with her yet.
Charcuterie is french for “I touched every single piece of this food, enjoy”.
If you are worried about getting a double chin, do not, I repeat do not fold a beach towel in front of the mirror.
I love how you changed “Conclusions” to “Learnings” in my PowerPoint. Any other made-up words I should add?
My husband changed his brand of boxers for the first time in 35 years. I feel like I’m having an affair.
If I’m going to pick up something and I ask you, “What would you like?“ and you say “I don’t know, surprise me” I will come back with nothing for you, cuz surprise, you should of made a decision.
Don’t quote me, but I’m pretty sure mint Oreos are filled with toothpaste.
I can’t help but get a little offended whenever my computer suddenly decides to ask me to prove who I am. Oh really, you need a password now, after everything we’ve googled together…
Dune (2021)
My kids refused to eat the leftover tacos.
My wife said to throw them out.
So I did.Now I don’t know what to do with the tacos….
A trailer of The Exorcist comes on.
Non parents:
Aargh I can’t look.Parents with kids who don’t sleep:
Ah a film about bedtime
Suddenly all I own are skinny jeans.
Me: Don’t you think it’s weird and creepy that you’re 37 years old and still hang out at the high-school you went to?
Wife (who was homeschooled): Shut up. You’re not getting out of coming with me to visit my parents.
Boys have dad bods
Men have father figures
Doing my civic duty by ensuring that my students know the difference between “lose” and “loose.”
Ever look in a mirror wondering about the stranger staring back & then realize it’s your neighbor’s window and they’re calling the cops?
My prediction: the Euro Cup final will be won by whichever team first figures out that there’s nothing in the rules that says you can’t grab the ball with your hands and run into the goal with it
RELATIONSHIP STATUS: Praying for telemarketers to call so I can experience human contact as I slowly dissolve into dust
At what point were people buying hotcakes so fast it set the bar?
ME: You’re a silly sausage aren’t you?
SAUSAGE: [peering over spectacles] I may have acted out in my youth but that’s not what defines me.
“It’s raining men. Hallelujah.”
-The lesser known 11th plague that God sent to the Egyptians
BUY SUMMER CLOTHES. CRASH YOUR PLANE IN THE ANDES. EAT SUMMER CLOTHES.
him: send me a video showing me what you want me to do to you
me:
As soon as I’m in my room, I take off my pants. That’s probably why I wasn’t allowed to be home when the realtor was showing my house.
I got a notice we are taking company pictures today.
*walks in dressed as Super Girl.
Every app is fighting for their life with push notifications and growth hacks, meanwhile wordle is right there having us do our daily pilgrimage to a mobile website
Him: which of these two fanny packs is better?
Me:
Me:
Him: you can say neither
Me: oh thank goodness!
You can flash your library card when you’re walking into Costco. They couldn’t care less.
There was an unattended whistle just lying in the middle of the living room floor so anyway I buried it out in the woods and now we can all move on with our lives
interviewer: you have a 3 year gap on your resume that just says “vengeance”
me:
interviewer:
me: you don’t remember me do you?