Seems a lot like 2021 keeps asking, “What would 2020 do?”
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Maybe the raccoons threw away something very important. Did you ever think about that you big jerk.
Wife: *glares* “Do you think you’re funny?”
Me: “Yes.”
W:
M:
W:
Me: “I mean no.”
W:
M: “How many guesses do I get?”
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
What’s it called when your bar is better stocked than your pantry?
Payday
I have a neighbor who will drone on for 15 minutes with the most boring stories ever.
Then when you start to talk she stares off into the distance like she’s looking for someone on a horse to come save her.
Whoever came up with *gobsmacked* should name all of our emotional responses.
[girl texting me] you left a sprite in my fridge
[CUT TO] Me, crossing step one off of my “secretly move in with her” plan
You know you’ve ordered too much take-out when they give you three sets of plastic utensils.
The department of wildlife got back to me and said there’s nothing they can do about the size of crows.
Not me, making rice krispy treats at midnight because my teen forgot to tell me she needed them tomorrow.
Grammar tells us, ” ‘i’ before ‘e’ except after ‘c’ “.
But science tells us otherwise.
#GrammarDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Fit Bit: ‘Keep going!’
Recliner: ‘Trust your feelings.’
Me: Why are you in such a bad mood?
5-year-old: I haven’t had my coffee.
Me: You’ve never had coffee.
5-year-old: Exactly.
Twelve years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe that he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
Yes, Firefox. I will abort the script but only to save the life of the web page.
When kidnappers take sensitivity training: fragrance free chloroform
Yoga Instructor: and finally we move into downward-facing dog.
Me: you forgot updog.
Yoga Instructor: what’s up-
Wife: -NOOOO!
kid that threw a ball into my yard: hey give it back
me: *hugging his dog* no
Me: I wanna chew the gum
Willy Wonka: No! You’ll turn into a blueberry
M: I’m doing it
W: Don’t
M:
Pay no attention to the man behind the crouton!
[in bed]
HER: I want you to do something naughty
ME: ok *spoils Infinity War ending before she’s seen it*
I hate men who say “where’s my hug?” Uhhh I don’t know, where’s your mom at?
“Stomach…Lungs…Kidneys….Heart.” –
Me, at my organ recital.(Not even slightly sorry)
[me b4 going to doc office]
-200 degree fever
-can’t breathe w/o going into cardiac arrest
-leave a trail of slime everywhere like a slug[the second i get to doc office]
-best health of my life
-so healthy they rename health after me
-honorary doctorate from health university
Me: *excited* I bought a bunch of Christmas carbs just like you said!
My boss: You mean Christmas cards?
Me with doughnut glaze all over my face: what
My boss: what
Had chicken and egg for dinner because I wanted to eat the whole family.
me: I’ll have the prime rib
waiter: excellent choice sir
me:
waiter: do we really have to do this yet again sir
me: *after sliding to the other side of the table and putting on a blonde wig* oooooh it all looks so good what do you recommend
Jesus watching Shrek: They really should call this Donkey.
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me
Fool me three times, show me how you do that
You tell me to get off my high horse? Why dont you tell the damn horse to stop getting high all the time.. His drug problem isn’t my problem