Someone just un-complimented my skort after I told them it came from Walmart. I didn’t even know that was something you could do.
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Parenting is all about multitasking. Like trying to brush your teeth while you’re rock climbing.
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was attempting to take off my sports bra.
uber driver is making small talk with me and asks me what i do, so i said i study philosophy, and he immediately says “oh nice man you hear it was Kant’s 300th birthday a few weeks ago? i bet you people went wild for that”
biggest issues with Australia?
✅ no late afternoon coffee
✅ footwear
✅ lack of nukes
Mosquitoes use a numbing agent so we feel no pain from their bites. This is one easy way to tell if you were bitten by a mosquito or a shark
Waiter: What dressing would you like on your salad?
Me: Ice cream
[getting completely dominated in a street fight]
ME: damn this toddler plays by her own rules
I called a chai latte a “chatte,” and my husband laughed and said that was “actually funny,” and it’s nice to have him finally recognize my genius.
Your lips say no but your eyes, they say no too. And your body language, that definitely says no. What I’m saying is you’re very consistent.
Just saw a video where Gordon Ramsey was struggling to say “Worcestershire sauce”, and honestly guys, if he can’t do it there’s no hope for the rest of us
COACH: You miss 100% of the shots you take.
ME: You mean, don’t take?
COACH: No. You are, by far, the worst athlete I have ever seen.
Pro Tip: Make sure you wear your Fitbit on your dominant hand so you get credit every time you lift an ice cream cone to your mouth.
A really cute girl started working out next to me at the gym so i switched to super heavy weights to impress her someone please call an ambulance
interviewer: we just have one concern
me: [unsheathing] is it about the sword I brought
interviewer: well it is now
interviewer 2: holy shit
interviewer 3: awesome
Guys I went to the department store today to by a toaster over and they made me wear pants and I wouldn’t because this isn’t the America I signed up for and I know the constitution so I left with no pants and no toaster oven thanks a lot.
[inventing the knife] What if a stick was mad
To keep people on their toes, when offered food at an event, I ask “Are there bees in this?”
I haven’t been to Target since February. I wonder how it’s even staying in business without me.
Them: Ma’am, we’re going to have to ask you leave…
Me: *doing the limbo under the police tape at a crime scene*
You seem stressed. Perhaps I can help by stepping on your computer’s power button
–cats
If you enjoyed calling strangers and hanging up when you were 10 years old, perhaps a career in telemarketing is for you.
My 5YO lost her first tooth and is very certain that the tooth fairy will give it to an old lady who really needs it
me: I think my blood’s haunted
doctor: what
me: I think it might be full of hemogoblins
I’ve discovered I own five umbrellas, if anyone wants to stage a musical number.
[first BDSM session]
Dom: Let’s begin. Safeword?
Me: fwerd
Dom: No! SAFEWORD
Me: *flinching* FWERD
me: I’m at the age where, if I drop something, I’ll just let it hit the floor instead of pulling a muscle trying to catch it
lady: can I have my baby back
My fridge constantly looks like I’m stockpiling for a massive cheese shortage.
Waiter: And how would you like your steak?
Guy Who Has Only Ever Eaten Goldfish Crackers: … umm… flavor blasted?
Me: What are you up to?
Her: I’m making Chinese.
Me: Cloning’s unethical. Hahaha just kidding. Make me a math tutor.
Discuss