i was one of the palm trees waving around in the background of every 16 bit game in the 90’s so yes random guy you do know me from somewhere
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Being unemployed has given me even more time to make up songs to sing to my cat.
[joins a conga line]
me: I can leave any time I like
[someone joins behind]
me: oh no
After your 5th sneeze I’m not saying bless you anymore.
You’re on your own
Don’t tell me about your wild weekend. My TV remote died and I switched the batteries around, and now it’s working.
Pre-surgery instructions: Do not wear makeup the day of surgery.
Surgeon: But I want to look pretty.
do i think every one of the theories about kate middleton are batshit insane and the people who thought of them need to be examined? yes
have i absorbed every single one of them like a thirsty worm in the desert? absolutely
I’m starting to think the girl in Madonna’s “Material Girl” is only interested in guys for their money, and not for who they are on the inside.
shit just got real
My wife has a “work husband” so I’m having him come over to load the dishwasher and get yelled at for doing it wrong
You name it, my mother knows somebody who died of it.
Mom is now sending me pictures of her lasagna and the recipe she apparently found in a sunken pirate ship.
I’ve been making my own bread every single day for two weeks now and I finally understand why people always look so miserable in historic photos.
[frog-condom sales meeting]
frog 1: our numbers are down, how can we make the condom more enjoyable for our customers?
frog 2: rib it
frog 1: Andrew, you’re a goddamn genius
Her: MOM! C’MERE!
Her: Oops never mindHer: MOM! MOM!
Her: Oops false alarmHer: WOW! MOM!
Her: Oops my bad[my dog at the window]
Interviewer: Why did you leave your job as a customer service representative?
Me: The phone calls kept interrupting my nap.
I wish my wife was one of those government agents who aren’t allowed to talk about what they did at work all day.
Flex on a demon by possessing it first.
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: It’s a surprise!
Her: You ran over a squirrel, didn’t you?
If you don’t wear pants, you’ll never poop them.
– Old folks home fortune cookie
Weekend #HayaoMiyazaki
Receptionist: “The doctor will see you now.”
Invisible Man: “Finally, a cure!”
Imagine meeting the person of your dreams and then finding out they use cutlery to eat a burger.
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
Penguins can’t fly. Sometimes I get bummed out thinking about that. But then I remember I don’t have to clean penguin shit off my car.
13yo Jesus: You’re not my real dad! I HATE YOU!
Joseph: One of these days boy, I’ll— [distant thunder] I’ll do nothing. Absolutely nothing.
WIFE: this year, can you put the santa presents out for the kids christmas morning?
GUY WHO NEVER FOUND OUT SANTA CLAUS ISN’T REAL: what
Why do I have to use leaves as toilet paper when I go camping while we have bears out there using Charmin?
Me: Who’s a good boy? WHO’S A GOOD BOY? Who wants a belly rub? WHO WANTS A BELLY RUB?
Client: Can I get a different massage therapist?
Lionel Ritchie being British :
🎵 Hello!
Is it tea you’re looking for? 🎵
Her: Well, I don’t want to look a gift horse in the mouth…
Me: Then don’t floss in a mirror.