“Can you make me look like this?” *shows hairdresser a picture of fire*
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The strongest cat exists. Somewhere a cat is walking around, completely oblivious that it is stronger than all the other cats.
Of all the galaxies that have ever existed, how do all of these idiots manage to come into mine?
-Me at work talking to guests.
My body is a temple
for potatoes.
I speak fluent hint. – No man anywhere, ever, never ever
One time I screamed so hard about a professional athlete not playing through an injury I blew out my back and couldn’t work for a week.
Love is that feeling you get when you meet someone that makes you forget about all of your problems cuz they’re causing all new problems.
me: what’s the fish that kills you if it’s prepared wrong
waiter: fugu, but tonight’s chef is very good
me: ok then *closes menu* I’ll come back tomorrow
I just dropped my pen on the public restroom floor.
I’ll miss that pen.
*sees a baby screaming on the plane* wait– WAIT. WHY IS HE SCREAMING. OH MY GOD WHY IS HE SCREAMING. WHAT DOSE HE KNOW THAT WE DONT
Hell hath no fury like an old lady scolding you for going in the wrong direction down a one-way aisle at the grocery store.
saying “i don’t care” and then not being able to sleep because of it is my superpower
when bread gets all hard we throw it away but when it’s toast we’re like yay breakfast
I think I’m finally ready. I’m gonna take the plunge even though at first it might be confusing and a little scary. I can do this!
Deep breath.
Here I go.*changes phone default notification sound*
When you know it’s a French word but you can’t quite remember which one
Phone: your storage is full.
“looks at my 8,726 identical photos of last 100 years”
Me: no, I need all of these
Finding $5 you didn’t know you had is awesome til you realize you’re 34, it’s 2011 & $5 won’t even buy enough gas to drive you off a cliff.
Short notice, but does anyone fancy spending a month on a private island in the Maldives? I’m looking for someone to join me ASAP as I’d prefer to leave this Sunday. Must have a private island in the Maldives, otherwise you’re wasting my time.
I just want to meet a man the old fashioned way: While being exchanged for livestock.
Na Fa Fo Na Na Fo Fo -Sassy black girl giving me her digits.
Judge: so your petition says irreconcilable differences
Me: yesterday he wore Nike shoes with Adidas socks
Judge: divorce granted
FIREMAN: this blaze is out of control
ME: sometimes you gotta fight fire with fire
F: what? No
M: *already brandishing a flamethrower*
I switched all the labels on my wife’s spice rack.
I’m not in trouble yet, but the thyme is cumin.
In summer, I drive with hands at 11 and 1 so the air conditioner vents point directly at my armpits.
Chase scenes in movies will be extremely quiet, once electric cars become mainstream.
“You have a Master’s degree”, I whisper to myself as I struggle to find the end of a roll of tape.
Most people don’t think I’m as old as I am until they hear me stand up.
[me buying something stupid and don’t need that’s $7.99] cool it’s only seven bucks
[me later] can’t believe i wasted ten bucks on this
As an automobile advocate, I am begging people to stop using the term “Accident” and instead use “Car interaction”.
[first day as a lion tamer]
me: don’t worry i totally researched this…
ring master: um ok
me: *pulls out a pig and a meerkat* NOW SING
IMPORTANT:
IF YOU GET A TEXT MESSAGE WITH A LINK THAT SAYS “NSFW SLIM JIM” — DO NOT CLICK IT — IT IS A VIRUS THAT PUTS YOUR KEYBOARD ON CAPS LOCKPLS TELL EVERYONE