God: take it
Satan: no you take it
God: no you take it
Satan: i dont want it
God: well its no good to me
Me: *kicks a pebble* i have a name
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Hello sweatpants my old friend, I’m going to dine in you again
stages of eating a banana:
– oh hey a banana
– it’s so sweet
– so easy to chew
– I like bananas
– oh god I’m only halfway done
– how big is this banana
– I’m so bored
– will this ever end
– one bite left
– I’m throwing it away now
You’re never too old to set goals. For example, today I’m not going to pee in my pants.
Cats REALLY hate dryers.
However, Patches has Never looked this fluffy
banks: have you gone paperless yet? then go paperless! being paperless is great! oh you’ve gone paperless? THANK YOU! WE LOVE YOU! YES FOR PAPERLESS!!!!
those same banks: we need a postal letter as your proof of address document nothing else will do lol soz
Me: When I had a successful allotment, I got a lot of unexpected attention from women.
Him: Grew peas?
Me: No, just female vegetable enthusiasts.
Kids born in the years 2000 and after will never know the struggle of learning their birthdays in French like we did
2000: deux mille
2001: deux mille un1997: mille neuf cent quatre-vingt dix-sept
SCIENTIST: You are my finest creation, and I love you like a son even though you’ve malfunctioned and now only say-
ROBOT: Fight me, dipshit
If pigs do eventually fly I bet they’ll take off from airporks.
What base is it when he says “I know you need it badly” but he’s talking about sleep.
Hmm, not sure about this change
“Give a man a fish. Don’t ask why just do it.”
— if your boss wrote proverbs
Movie Theater: *lights go down*
Me: *quietly removes entire thanksgiving feast from backpack*
[anxiously trying to put wrinkly dollar bills in a mitten vending machine as an avalanche approaches]
Found her drawer full of personal massage devices.
Poor thing. Her back must be killing her. Anyone know a good chiropractor?
I’m opening an Italian restaurant for Alphas called “Testosteroni.” Who want to get in on the ground floor?
homeless guy said “hey there pretty lady, show me that smile, where’s that smile?” and I said “it’s at my house”
Years ago I went to a job placement agency.
I left disappointed.
Apparently nobody offers temp work as an astronaut.
CarefulWhere’s your shoesPlease stop cryingMaybe eat somethingYou dropped the bottle- things you say to babies & drunks.
Coffee is great because if you drink too much you realize there are tiny spiders under your skull weaving hair.
worst things about halloween as an adult:
– things are even scarier than usual
– people knock on your door
– you have less candy afterwards
If I had gone to Rydell High, I would have walked right up to Rizzo and asked, “Rizzo? Is that short for Chorizzo?”
What does it mean when you’re on a date and he pushes you in front of a bus?
Guess who taught himself how to open the rice cooker and woke me up by screaming in between mouthfuls of hot rice
ME: I wish I could just go back to the good old day
FRIEND: don’t you mean good old days?
ME: no, I just had the one
My nephew had his first day of kindergarten yesterday. I told him he gets to go back tomorrow. He said No thank you. I won’t be going back.
My son texted me that he’d forgotten his favorite beer mug and asked if I’d email it to him. Naturally, I knew he meant to say mail, but don’t think for a second that stopped me from emailing him a picture of said mug.
No one told me that part of motherhood is consistently looking like the before on a makeover show.
Getting older is just one body part after another saying.
“Ha ha. you think that’s bad?
Watch this.”
Origami was invented by a young Japanese child trying to hide his report card.