[An alternate reality where Smurfs live among us and I see Smurfette at the bar and she’s looking real good]
Me: Hey I think you’re really bluetiful
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We’re all lucky we didnt grow up in medieval times because most court jesters were murdered.
You’re erasing syllables to make the word shorter. I’m adding syllables to make the word longer. We are not the samerino
According to my accountant, I’ll have to postpone my trip to Australia until the continents drift back together.
Crazy to think that even after all of these years the Titanic’s pool still has water in it.
Stop saying “There’s plenty of fish in the sea.” I’m sick of fish seducing all our human women!
I don’t mean to brag, but I don’t need to buy a new Tamagotchi. The one I got in 1997 is not only still alive, but it’s healthier than I am.
Joined Match.com… And all I got was a lit cigarette
7: I don’t want you to have any more babies
Me: That’s okay because I’m not having any more babies
7: Good, but I’m still gonna worry till you’re 50
A girl named ReAnne laying in bed each night wondering if she had an older sister named Anne and where she went wrong
“Extra cheese”
Extra! Extra! More cheese!!
“No olives”
Breaking! Hold on the olives!
~Ex-Newsie working at Subway
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer had a very shiny nose. Other symptoms of his alcoholism included violent rampages and chronic nausea.
A Goofy Movie gave me unrealistic expectations about what I could and couldn’t do with aerosol cheese
16 year olds can vote in Scotland. That’s ok because they’ve been drinking since they were 9 and understand disillusionment.
Hey ghosts, I just updated my kitchen with open shelving good luck slamming the cupboards you nerds
Do assassins for hire offer holiday discounts? Comparison shopping seems a bit risky.
My dog ate my work from home.
i woke up at 3:48 from a weird dream i wanted to rememember. tried to text myself sketchy details. accidentally sent them to a number one off from mine. help
Been yelling just awful things at people, trying to improve my chef skills.
Cats must think we’re so weird for constantly harvesting their poop.
KIDS: trick or treat
ME: hang on guys I’m still setting up the sushi bar. Who likes eel?
I was asked to distress some pine furniture, so I told a bookcase that I was going to convert it into firewood.
Boss: *swivelling in his chair to greet me as I enter his office* I have a job for you
Me: *sighing* again?
Boss: again
Me: *spins his chair*
Boss: weeeeeeeeeeeeeee
If two pieces of pizza share the same pepperoni that is one piece of pizza. Don’t let anybody tell you differently
A closed mouth gathers no fries.
3 days ago my best friend texted me that his dog is sick and he paid a ton of money for surgery and the dog might survive.
I replied “I hope it does”, but autocorrect changed it to “I hope it dies” and I just noticed now.
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
“Pray, love, eat.” — A mantis
This is the one week you can throw a charred corpse in the garbage without people asking a lot of questions.
I’ve experienced anxiety, unhappiness and heartache but that’s nothing compared to the sheer primal terror I feel when the cat needs a bath.
“I miss my label mates.”
“You’re a recording artist?”
“We collect beer labels let me show you my albums.”