i have never seen a chameleon in real life and i dont know if that means i havent or i have
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9:30 in the morning, the woman behind me in line says to her toddler “No, I don’t think they have ice cream right now, nobody eats ice cream this early in the morning,” just as I turn around holding a giant cup of vanilla soft serve.
Guys, my heart is broken. Utterly broken.
I’ve been married more than 10 years. A whole decade and I guess even that’s not enough to fully know a person
I came home early today from work to surprise my wife. I opened the door and walked in on her watching “twilight” on Netflix
Been getting into gardening lately and I think it’s going well!
“You’re acting weird.”
First of all, I’m not acting
Just overheard someone say they need an “escape goat” for their project & I can’t decide if they’re a complete idiot or an evil genius.
me: that guy is half drunk
Dracula: I was full. I couldn’t finish drinking him
Wanna feel smart? I just texted my sister a picture of her phone she left here
My son forgot he needed a new spiral notebook for today & is annoyed I don’t have one like, sorry our house didn’t magically turn into a Staples last night.
Me: Put on your seatbelt.
13: Do I have to?
Me: not if you want your face shattering the windshield
13: cool
Me: PUT ON YOUR SEATBELT!
Just walked into my local court house, they were all sitting around in a circle with black candles and robes trying to summon a jury #funny
Apparently introducing your puppet as your lover to people is frowned upon.
If you can get the pronouns right for a boat you can get them right for a person
The crack of dawn is probably just as good as the crack you get at midnight.
There used to be many different names for the childhood game of knocking on doors and running away. But these days, it’s simply referred to as ‘being an Amazon driver’.
Me: Remind me of your name again?
Ben: It’s Ben
Me: one week since you looked at me…
Maybe Tailgate wants to be banged. Did you ask? You don’t know.
Drug dealer: if you’re a cop, you have to tell me
Me: [into shoulder radio] is that true
I went out for a walk and the neighbor kids asked if I could play. Later losers, I have friends now.
Guilt should be a condiment. It goes on everything.
Just did that little side to side “oops we keep choosing the same direction and getting in each other’s way aren’t we silly!” dance with someone and she ended up saying “oh just move out the way! Idiot”
That’s not in the rules!
Don’t move, I know what I’m doing.
*takes a nap
Me: [walking into Maternity Ward with my teenagers]: WHAT IS YOUR RETURN POLICY
My buddy’s PRETTY drunk…
So I took the car key off of his keychain…
He’s been trying to start his car with a house key for 4 hours now
COP: Know why I stopped you?
MAN IN A RESTAURANT EATING FRIED CHICKEN: Huh?
COP: You’re using a knife and fork. Step away from the chicken
I accidentally took a woman’s multi-vitamin this morning. I have been trying to get dressed now for 2 hours but everything makes me look fat
I made a barista at Starbucks cry when I put my name down as “Dad” and he just stood there calling it over and over
me: sorry I called out my ex’s name just now
woman: three times though?
bloody mary: ew, am I on the ceiling
Me: Excuse me, may I have a straw please?
*entire restaurant gasps*
If my wife ever hired a private detective to follow me, it would be to get pictures of me not using the coupons I said I used.
my kid was complaining she’s bored so I found her a tutorial on mining Bitcoin.