A step-by-step guide on how to not finish anything.
Step One: Have kids.
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Being fluent in Spanish is all fun and games until you’re put in a professional setting and all you know is Spanish del rancho
Today is the day I write something beautifully profound
No. That was it. I’m going back to bed
Admit it, you’d eat a shoe if it were deep fried and covered in BBQ sauce.
Age 8 – “I can achieve anything”
18 – “should I buy a lobster farm?”
28 – “if you are watching this then I have been killed by lobsters”
Who called it the milk crate challenge and not broke back mountain
[world series game 1]
Wife: where are our seats?
Hamlet: 2b…
Wife: there are people there
Hamlet: or not 2b
Me: Hi, is this Chuck E Cheese?
How many kids do I need to have with me to be able to eat and play there?Chuck E. Cheese: Just one
Me: *opens door to white van* Get out Rebecca I don’t need you
Stuck in traffic? We have the solution for you… Call customer service so all your vulgarities aren’t wasted.
Very good! 👍😂
*performs CPR on the turkey*
You and what army? That should be your first question to the HOA.
lawyer: juror number four why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency.
pete davidson, pete davidfather, pete davidholyghost
Remind me again … how many glasses of wine does it take to cook a turkey?
Getting away with an expired coupon like, yes, I am a con artist.
If I worked at a wax museum, I think a good joke would be to put a wick coming out of all of their heads.
Word.
~ Microsoft.
I wonder if all the other popcorn kernels in the bag freak out when the first kernel pops
me: lol you only hurt the ones you love
murderer: OMG shut up
Guys, please help. My son accidentally started a sentence without saying “mom” first, and then he kind of short circuited…? What do I do?
Three more pension cheques and I’ll have my student loan paid off.
*visits new girlfriend’s house for 1st time*
“Make yourself at home”
Great. Thanks!
*I crawl into the closet and begin sobbing loudly*
[traffic court]
Your honor, I’m here to dispute 4 of my 5 tickets
JUDGE: Repeat infractions?
Ok, I’m here to dispute ⁴/₅ of my tickets
🎶we are never ever ever getting back together
– a pair of my socks saying an emotional goodbye to each other in the washing machine
I ate so much bread yesterday, I checked Web MD to make sure that I couldn’t end up with a yeast infection.
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along; my mother was a can of diet Fresca.
caveman: I’ve invented the wheel!
hamster: finally!!!
We’ve reached that part of the day where my kids ask what’s for dinner & then tell me they don’t want that for dinner.
Scientists say Spider-Man would not be able to climb vertical surfaces due to his size. It’s almost like someone made the whole thing up.
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*