*at swingers club*
me: so how does this work? do we both go at the same time or do I push you first?
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Why don’t people who are good at tarot cards just switch to blackjack?
[Ocean’s 14]
Danny Ocean: We’re going to steal the world’s largest ball of twine
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
I just got mistaken for an employee at a haunted house. Assume it’s because I look authoritative not because I look like I’m wearing a mask.
ME: what are those little bugs hovering around the basket of grapes?
GUY: fruit flies I think
ME: *rolls eyes* no it doesn’t, doug
Me: *completing a puzzle* see if the pieces are soggy they fit wherever
A second-hand deep fryer is an acceptable gift for third weddings right?
Fact: an Owl’s head can rotate up to 840°, before it comes off in your hand.
This guy told me he spoke Swedish and then spoke Swedish and tbh I have no way of knowing if he was lying.
Animals who have bright colors and patterns in the wild are considered dangerous and shouldn’t be messed with.
*Updates work wardrobe to bright, loud colors and patterns*
One time I overheard my coworker answer a question with ‘I don’t know, I was in Prague’ so that’s my go to now whenever I don’t have the answer to a question.
Lionel Richie: I’m easy like Sunday morning
Sunday morning: wow I’m right here
*Answers door naked*
Jehovah’s Witnesses… 😲
Me: Do you have a moment to let me tell you about my sex life? Here, have this pamphlet.
If Bats in Australia are THIS big, I’d hate to see the size of their Vampires
Give a man a fish, he’ll eat for a day.
Teach a man to fish, he’ll contribute to the global overdepletion of the ocean.
So give him a salad, maybe.
When faced with a dilemma, I just whisper softly to myself
” What would Homer Simpson do?”
Before you cannibalize your roommate due to cabin fever, remember that you cannot afford the rent alone. #blizzard2016
commenting “so brave” on every couple photo on valentine’s day, as a treat
I’ve been Catholic for years and still have no idea which murders I should confess and which I should keep to myself.
ME: oh no inanimate objects are coming to life
FRIEND: what where
ME: look out the window
STEPHEN KING: But the warning came too late. The evil window attacked
I do this awesome move at the dance club with my shoulders where i slump them down and go back to my hotel and violently masturbate
“Speed” remake with Scarlett Johansson as the bus
My daughter gave me a coupon book for Mother’s Day and told me to pick one, so I chose the clean your room coupon. She immediately began crying because I was supposed to choose the free hug instead.
Your attempt to intimidate me with your knuckle cracking is a waste of time, I’m quite aware it’s a gas bubble between your bone & joint.
I want to be on maternity leave but without the baby.
Dating in your thirties is exhausting because you have to make small talk AND find the inner strength to stay up past 9
Kylo Ren: Hey, why is my paycheck so low?
General Hux: Damages. Maybe you should stop throwing temper tantrums with your lightsaber.
GOD: let’s give them sinus cavities that fill up with snot and make their face hurt
ANGEL: all the time?
GOD: no just when they’re sick and also when they try to enjoy nice things like flowers and outside
ANGEL: why?
GOD: you keep saying that word
*sees conditioner bottle is almost empty
*immediately buys new bottle of conditioner
*old bottle of conditioner lasts 6 more years