Left my son in the rock tumbler now I gotta explain to his momma why hes smooth as hell.
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I think my girlfriend is a serial killer you guys…she wakes up and makes the bed in the morning
If you’re ever lost in the woods and have a compass, the compass can help you be lost more north.
Little did she know she had fallen into my trap when I pissed her off so much that she threw her Snickers bar at me.
Son: Dont be a square. Everything is groovy.
Me: What are you doing?
Son: Like totally speaking your language, fer sure!
Me:
Son: Hello fellow olds!
4 can’t go to sleep tonight because she’s “too short to sleep” and I honestly don’t even know how to address this new level of sleep delay mastery.
Home improvement paradox: every time you paint the inside of your house it gets a tiny bit smaller but every time you paint the outside of your house it gets a tiny bit larger
According to my scales, there could be four wolves inside of me.
Still not over my son telling me the toilet was smoking, and I rushed upstairs to this
Celine DiOn
*claps twice*
Celine DiOff
Apparently your bosses don’t like it when you refer to them as “you geniuses.”
[lawyer whispers to plaintiff]
two can play this game
“Your honor. Upsexy.”
Judge: what’s upsexy?
“that’s harassment. move to change venues”
GROCER: slide your card
ME: it didn’t work
GROCER: does it have a chip?
ME: *puts hand over pringle in my pocket I was saving for later* no
*walks into IT department attempting to look cool*
You guys torrent any emails lately?
I’m so out of shape, I can’t even run away from my insecurities.
pictures of spider-man
Me: I love you..Marry Me!
Burrito: I’m a Burrito..stop drinking.
Somehow, I must have switched shopping carts while I was at the store. I don’t remember buying any of this stuff.
Or having an Asian baby.
ME: you said I could have anything I wanted for my last meal
WARDEN [bottom lip trembling]: but my wife made these sandwiches for me
Well, this certainly took a turn
My dealer told me everytime i use a reusable container instead of giving me a new baggie he’ll give me a discount and thats what i call loyalty to the planet.
Ever since my boss discovered my Twitter account, these drug tests are seeming a lot less ‘random’.
10’s homework question: “Which appliance in your home do you think is the most useful?”
His answer: “My mom.”
Wife: You’re shirtless?
*nods*
W: And covered in…oil?
-Well, you know how you always say I never glisten?
W: Listen. You never listen.
-Oh
<door bell>
Zombie wife: Is that Bob?
Zombie husband: *looks thru peep hole* Not sure, but he’s a dead ringer.
My husband woke me up in the middle of the night, no, NOT for sex, but to ask me if I have any “dank memes”.
You don’t even wanna know how I beyond annoyed I am today.
As my kid gets older he goes to bed later, which means he hangs out longer, which means *I* have to stay up later to get my alone time, which means by the time he’s 13, I’ll be going to bed at sunrise.
[date started at 9 pm]
[9:30 pm] Her: I love long awkward silences.
[10:20 pm] Me: Me too.
Landlord: The lease said no murders! This is the biggest murder I’ve ever seen.
Crow tenant: *wasted* tell the world, you little shit.
Hear me out….
A pub crawl, but to bakeries.
The moment I said “iligalbility” I knew it was time to put the glass of wine down.
That and the fact that the bottle was empty.