As the rain pelts down on the window I am simultaneously happy I don’t have to go water the garden and pissed because I just washed the car.
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Sometimes I try to reason with people, but invariably they start talking again.
Sometimes I wear glasses to work just so I can take them off really fast in disgust.
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
Random person: How are you?
Me: you too.
Christmas movie innkeepers play fast and loose with their unattended candles.
There’s going to be a full moon this Christmas!
Because mixing family and alcohol together wasn’t enough…
3 is feeding 1 strawberries and calling him Baby Babe. It’s so sweet, I can almost forget he tried to lock him in the closet half an hour ago.
The early bird catches a worm. The on-time bird catches a different worm. The late bird also catches a worm. There are tons of worms and they have no human concept of time
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing, kids. Wolves don’t have lips so they can’t blow at all. That wolf was framed.
Me: [driving into a parking garage]
Wife: why are you ducking your head?
Me: the ceiling is super low, I don’t want the car to scrape it.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: that’s fair.
“What did you make milk out of today?” [Overheard in the library]
Hear me out – fortune hotdogs
DJ VAN HELSING: this one goes out to my boy, Drac
DRACULA: *rolls eyes* oh here we go
DJ VAN HELSING: *plays Man in the Mirror*
*maintains eye contact*
*leaves with Drac’s girl*
Getting older is cool because you can take a deep breath and it’ll crack your back
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
S: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here
S: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this one here it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
Nobody discretely coughs blood into a handkerchief while wearing a top hat anymore.
Interviewer : So you’re super fast at math?
Me : Yup
I : Ok, what’s 346×48?
Me : 804
I : That’s not correct
Me : Fast though.
Him: I’m an dog person
Me: *excited* So like, a werewolf?
her: does an apple a day really keep the doctor away
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a horse at the ER Karen
Freaky Friday 2:
The mom and daughter switch bodies again
The mom doesn’t go back
She keeps stealing children’s bodies
She lives forever
Fireman: Is anyone else inside the house?
Me: Uh yes..my son is trapped in my room he- [fireman charges into blaze] ..HE LOOKS LIKE AN XBOX
i’ve seen the new gif of a guy cutting his pasta with scissors like three times today. i am just putting this buster keaton clip out there to show you where he copped it from —
The global energy crisis could be solved if only we could harness the power of my wife slamming my car door.
Age 15: I wanna live in a mansion
Age 25: Ok a big house, in a nice neighborhood
Age 35: *googles ‘Best Months to Live Outside’*
“Don’t tread on me.”
– out-of-order sign on a treadmill
There are a lot of unspoken rules about complimenting a baby. It is ok to say ‘I could just eat him up!’ but apparently you should not go into detail about which recipe you would follow.
Meanwhile, at the White House… #matwh
I respect kiwis because they looked around, saw there weren’t any mice on their island, and said “fine I’ll do it”
“people online aren’t your real friends” tom hanks was best friends with a volleyball.