I was riding my bike this morning and a guy yelled “Cow” at me. I turned and gave him the finger…and ran straight into the cow.
You Might Also Like
[Alien vs Predator]
Alien: I can eat your face off
Predator: I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a school
*waits until you fall asleep*
*tests out his new retractable air horn*
Imagine the excitement of the first scientist to travel between parallel dimensions. He’ll be beside himself.
Me: I signed my son up for an appointment with a child psyhcologist
Doctor: That’s me
Me: but you’re an adult
Doctor: and a child psychologist
Me: how
There are a lot of unspoken rules about complimenting a baby. It is ok to say ‘I could just eat him up!’ but apparently you should not go into detail about which recipe you would follow.
Everyone thinks they won’t be that couple that goes from ‘everything you do is a turn on’ to ‘you’re breathing too loud’ but they will be, oh they will be
Doctor: how do you stay active?
Me: I just jiggle the mouse every 5min
ME: *walks by to put anything away*
WIFE: [not even looking up from her phone] that doesn’t go there
It’s a new year and a new me. I’d like to buy you all a drink. Waitress! One small Coke and 10,000 straws.
Future generations will never have to live in unprecedented times, because we’re precedenting the Hell out of everything right now.
Kid at my door: Trick or treat
Me: (holding warm gravy boat) just on the candy corn or all over?
OH NO I DROPPED MY THERAPY HOT DOG
Boyfriend is mad at me because he said people are silly to spend $300 on tickets to “Shen Yun: 5,000 Years of Civilization Reborn” and I told him that’s a great deal in terms of years of civilization per dollar
I’ve named my couch American Idle.
it sucks that the 2020 election’s approach of both candidates offering us competing stimulus checks has vanished. please bring that back. please bribe us with money.
*After roommate performs a summoning spell*
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me: So does he just live here now?
Satan: *wearing my bathrobe* You’re out of bagel bites
Interviewer: Your resumé says your strength is confidence but your weakness is languages
Me: I think you’ll find it’s pronounced resume
Days after my plane crashed, I find a phone. Thankfully, it has enough battery for me to go online & argue with strangers. I remain stranded
Courageously battles through my ice cream headache
got so drunk last night that I ate a salad
How come I have to do all this work and you do nothing all day?
– my 8yo while doing one chore
I have no milkshakes. No one comes to my yard. The grass looks fantastic.
Friend meeting my newborn: omg what’s his name
Me: I don’t know he won’t tell us
customer behind me in line: hey I think your phone is ringing
me: oh *declines it* thank you
Good morning to everyone except my baby, who already said good morning to me at 1 a.m., 3 a.m., and 5:46 a.m.
[in the park]
ME: aww look a baby
WIFE: is it on me?!
ME: um no it’s in a stroll-
WIFE: *swatting herself* I FEEL LIKE IT’S ON ME
Waiter: our chef’s special is a catfish
Me: *flips table* I KNEW IT
Gravy boat.
Gravy boat.
All the dishes are on my son’s bedroom floor so I’m drinking coffee from a GRAVY BOAT!
“How do you compete in fencing if you don’t have a sword?”
“I just dodge the other guy’s attacks.”
“You’re missing the point.”
“That’s the idea!”
One time I had to Google “What is a Snooki?” ngl I was disappointed it wasn’t a new Muppet