Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
You Might Also Like
Just heard the phrase naturally boneless chicken and that’ll keep me awake tonight.
-Hello, RSPCA.
-Hello. There’s a polecat clinging to my ceiling fan.
-I don’t believe you.
-Well you’ll have to take my whirred ferret.
Me: Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
Her: no
Me: *dials another number* Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
Born again? No thanks. One trip down the birth canal was enough.
How to lose a gf:
Gf: which of my friends would be the most fun to have a 3some with?
Me: *names two of them*
paperclip: the staple for people with commitment issues.
What if the Daleks start eating an apple a day
“No, no, I’m fine. This is how I live now.”
-Me laying face down on the floor
[Art Museum]
Date: I like a man who makes things exciting, but I also like to be the center of attention.
Me: *Thinking quickly* SECURITY! SHE’S GONNA STEAL THIS PAINTING
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *stops sculpting a Lionel Richie head* Nope. What’s up?
I’d like to meet a failed scientist, like I do writers.
“I science on the weekends and for free sometimes. I think of it more as a hobby.”
Whoever said that collectively women are the fair sex obviously didn’t understand the meaning of fair, or women, or maybe even sex…
I’ll never understand why the guy that invented braille didn’t just put the dots in shape of the actual letters.
Me: *stopping* Siri, reroute to kitchen, there’s a traffic jam.
Siri: Step over the dog.
phone sales rep: may I speak with the head of the household pls?
me: just a sec, he’s using the litter box
A 2-hour movie called “Can You Watch My Kid For Like 15 Minutes?”
Kids today dont know how good they have it, with their tablets and iPads. When I was their age all I had was lice.
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the night of the 3rd?”
Stabbing a homeless man.
“Louder for the tape?”
Wrapping a boneless ham. As a gift.
Just got hospitalized due to a peekaboo
accident.They put me in the ICU.
Judge: Approach the bench.
Cat Lawyer:
Judge: pspspsps
Dry sarcasm assumes the existence of moist sarcasm.
Doctor: Take this medicine. It will help with your condition.
Me: Oh, I don’t know. I don’t like the idea of taking medicine daily.
Doctor: It is also helps with weight loss.
Me: So, how many can I take in a day and still live?
@_NTFG_’s account is temporarily unavailable because it violates the Twitter Media Policy. Learn more.
Me: *[pulls back shower curtain]
“Dinner will be ready in 10 minutes”Him: “Who the hell are you and should I be scared?”
Every time someone thinks I’m younger than I am, an angel gets cake
if I wasn’t supposed to grow up to want a sugar daddy why did we base an entire holiday around a much older man bringing me presents for being a good girl
“Who puts ugly pictures of someone on a missing poster? I’ll tell you who. My MOM. That’s who.”
~ The Best Testimony I’ve Ever Heard in Person
Ghost: *knocks slowly three times on door*
Me: That’s not the secret knock and if you were *actually* in the Kevin Bacon secret fan club you’d know that