Welcome to your 40’s: the waitress is not hitting on you dude.
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Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me. Try to fool me three times, I bite you
[reading my journal] me: damn what a psycho
If you have 6+ numbers after your name as part of your Twitter handle I can only assume you’re an inmate & tweeting from prison.
Behemoth?
No. Hebebutterfly.
At the store, I selected some tortillas, turned and found a woman strolling wordlessly away with my shopping cart, leading me to the realization I had left MY cart in frozen foods and just casually stolen and done 50 feet of browsing with hers, confirming I am bad at everything.
[On the couch watching TV]
Husband: *Doesn’t move for 90 minutes*
Me: *Gets up to pee*
Husband: Can you get me some chips and a drink and some lip balm and that charger and that remote and that blanket over there?
My husbands signature move is running to town “real quick” and coming home 5 hours later.
Whenever I hear someone call my name, my first instinct is to walk faster
Hey, we never talked in high school!
Let’s be Facebook friends so we can once again never talk!
JUST LIKE OLD TIMES!
Parents: Your room is a mess.
Me: You really need to see my life.
If you capitalize ‘him’ in your tweets I’m gonna automatically assume you’re subtweeting god.
Men’s underwear watching them buy more t shirts
I just called one ex a calculator and another a potential murder victim so if you’re looking for metaphors, I’m probably the grapefruit.
Many rastafarian babies are born out of dreadlock.
[at my comedy central roast after every joke] That’s not true
I opened Facebook by mistake, it appears I’ve missed 738 birthdays because I haven’t been on for over 2 years 😳
It is said the population of sheep in New Zealand is 60 Million.
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
Be the reason your therapist reevaluates their entire career.
I wanna meet the person whose parents are super disappointed he went to medical school instead of becoming a stand-up comedian
I’m sure a spider is never scrutinized for spending too much time on the web.
My favourite movie romance is Keanu Reeves and Sandy Bullock in Speed because they meet by overcoming the greatest relationship hardship of all: when a woman is driving and a man is trying to give her directions
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: you opened it in Word didn’t you
Me: I love you so much
Calories: I love you more
Two eggs, some bacon, and a piece of toast walk into a bar. The bartender says, hey! We don’t serve breakfast here. #Tellyourworstjoke
Me: Mozart was a great composer, but now that he’s dead he’s a great
Wife: I swear to God I’ll divorce you
Me: *through tears* Decomposer.
The worst part about painting is drinking the brush water.
My girlfriend [31f] doesn’t know how to count months and it’s actually causing problems in our relationship [31m]
WIFE: How do you feel about Hawaiian pizza?
ME, sipping my pineapple spice latte: I think you know
*waits until you fall asleep*
*tests out his new retractable air horn*
I saw a sign that said “bridge subject to icing” and I thought “that sounds delicious”