Best movie gangster: The iceberg in Titanic
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Just think, in 10 years you’re going to wish you look as good as you do right now. Assuming you’re still alive.
~inspirational
kid: let’s go to disneyland
dad: fair enough
kid: no, disneyland
Ah yes let me just fashion a mask out of a bandana. First I’ll head over to the bandana drawer in my dresser, where I keep my myriad bandanas.
WIFE: don’t be weird at the party tonight
ME: am i ever weird?
[dinner party]
CHERYL: how’s the soup taste?
ME: like the blood of my enemies
I told my kids we get visited by the Easter Chicken because bunnies don’t lay eggs.
“Now you sound ridiculous,” said 8.
Language is cool because it’s just a bunch of sounds, but put them in the right order & you can make someone cry or you can order tacos.
Every mega rich guy has been or is becoming super interested in ways to get off of the planet. Seems fine
Drinking 8 glasses of water isn’t easy, but I get really thirsty when I eat Funyuns. So problem solved. It feels good to be healthy.
My daughter asked me to play Highway to Hell by AC/DC because I was driving them to school. Parenting win I guess.
I never believed in reincarnation before but… Dad?
PHYSICIST: There are infinite universes, more than you can imagine
ME: That means there exists a universe in which all my tweets are funny
PHYSICIST: Not that many
Me: I can’t decide on a name for the hamster
Wife: Why don’t you sleep on it?
Me: Jesus Christ Amy, I’d squash it
Finished stitching this today 😇
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: I can’t wait to see my wife again
PIRATE: Land Ho!
FIRST MATE: Now look, that’s a little rude
Can’t
I’m serenading the neighbors with my harmonica at 2am
receptionists will look u straight in the eye and ask if ur available in 5 months and 18 days
getting a cast iron skillet so i can still not do my dishes, but now people will think i’m classy
[sitting in the front seat of an UberPool while a couple makes out hardcore in the back]
[at a red light, the driver and i suddenly lock eyes]
me: do ya wanna…?
uber driver: no
I was applying for homeowners insurance today and they asked if I had any pets to which I said, “yes, two cats.” And then they asked me “have they been trained to attack or cause bodily harm?” and I wanted to know if anyone had been able to do this because I’ll hire you
How do you even keep up with current trends if you don’t have a teenager in your life to ridicule your choices?
If I buy the circus the monkey will be the manager.
*Dad enters room dressed as Han Solo*
“May divorce be with you”
“What?”
“Your mother and I are getting a divorce. I figured I’d make it fun”
COP: Nobody on the main floor. Let’s check upsta–
GIRAFFE COP: Nobody upstairs
As I exposed my glorious chest hairs & catapulted toward the Velcro wall, I realized that I had no exit strategy.
Gurl are you Quantum Mechanics ’cause you got 10 different interpretations of everything, none of which fully corresponds with reality.
Me: I’ve hit rock bottom
The Rock: Harder
I found the cure to obesity, but then I ate it.
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
Jaws (1975): people started hating a shark for doing normal shark things