“Mommy when I grow up, I want to be a shoe”
-straight up killin’ it at this parenting thing
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Autocorrect changed ‘get a life’ to ‘get a wife’ and now my daughter is a lesbian.
Coffee is great because if you drink too much you realize there are tiny spiders under your skull weaving hair.
*Husband using Ouija board after I’ve died*
Please answer me
*arrow moves*
“It’s on the top shelf. Right there. RIGHT THERE! Use your eyes!”
My daughter is mad at me because I didn’t offer her a banana first thing this morning.
She hates bananas.
Schrödinger’s cookie
[man walks into a bar]
Horse bartender: Why the short face? SEE? SEE? IT’S NOT COOL!
If youre giving mouth-to-mouth, and you don’t want to get germs, you can put a harmonica between your lips and the victim’s
I enjoy the outdoors when it stays outdoors.
If you need motivation to workout this evening, Justin Bieber changed his Instagram name to Bizzle. Now go ahead, get out that aggression.
Hey man be careful taking a nap. One of my buddies had a dream where he was getting chased around
Dad Dinosaur: Look son a shooting star make a wish!
Angsty Teen Dinosaur: I wish it would hit us and kill us all.
The fake cough I use when calling in sick is now available on iTunes.
Every time my parents buy my kids a loud toy, I submit their phone number to a mortgage refinancing company.
Remember when we thought 2016 was a particularly bad year?
*Laughs in 2020*
Autocarrot sucks!
*chasing after the person that just robbed my house*
TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SO I KNOW YOU GOT BACK SAFELY
7 had questions about periods so I answered as best as I could and when I told her they happen every month, she burst into tears which is the appropriate response.
#Caturday
[plastic surgeon]
please my credit card it’s very sick
*shows up to date with broken nose*
“What happened?”
Hurt myself playing football
“How?”
Threw the controller at a wall and it bounced back
God: Give them free will
Angel: Some of them are going to use it to say, “supposably.”
God: You know what? Let’s make a hell, too.
my doctor: you should snack less, it can really hurt you in the long run
me: *nodding* no more running, got it
You can imagine my embarrassment when I was escorted out of the herpetologists office by police because he isn’t an std doctor
*First day as a boxing cornerman*
Me: So did you guys even try to talk this out first or what
Whenever I’m worried I messed up with my wife I remember that time my brother gave an anniversary card to his current wife on the date of his first marriage
Interviewer: According to your resume, you’re one of the greatest fiction writers the world has ever known
Me: Yes, I wrote that
And ladies, keying cars is very 2010 lol all you need to do is ask to drive his car and you take it and speed pass every speed camera in your city. And just return his car back to him like nothing happened.
Handing out plastic easter eggs filled with baked beans for halloween this year.
When I see a job ad that doesn’t have salary listed I send them a resume with my whole work history redacted
[medieval doctor] bad vibes? got a worm for that