Why can’t Penguins get Christmas gifts? Cause Penguins and Santa Claus are poles apart
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Guys; if she stops responding to your messages for days, 100% of the time it’s a technical problem. Keep trying.
I left a trail of rose petals leading to the bed and on the bed was a note that said “This is what happens to roses who cross me”
My favorite doll’s husband was made by me, of a shampoo bottle and a ping pong ball. Good guy, but he just couldn’t stop losing his head over things. Literally
“Daddy, tell me again about how you wasted time before Twitter existed?”
“Well son, we used to look at clouds & pretend they were animals.”
Voldemort: I’m here to kill Harry Pott- [struggling to open baby gate]
James Potter: push down and then pull back
Voldemort: I am [still struggling]
Lily Potter: jiggle it he needs to jiggle it
Voldemort: I AM JIGGLING IT; You know what forget it I’ll come back when he’s 10
When I was in court I heard a Magistrate singing some Ed Sheeran, so I hired him for my Wedding.
But at the ceremony he did his own material and was terrible.
Which goes to show, you should never Book a Judge by his Covers.
me: *offering joint* wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: first time we’ve seen a giraffe eat a human
I’m dangerous, baby. Like egg salad that has been sitting out in the sun.
there should be some kind of National Dog and before any politician gets sworn into office we have to see how the dog reacts to them
At this point the only way a handsome man’s ever going to chase me through an airport is if I steal his bag off the carousel.
Tell your wife her butt looks big in those jeans.
Live a little.
people talk about being able to fold a fitted sheet and I’m like wow there are people who make their bed
If there are no verbs in your tweet you’re a rebel without a clause. If there are no commas in your tweet you’re a rebel without a pause and if you are a cat who juggles chainsaws then you’re probably a rebel without paws.
this FaceApp is creepy af
Parenting is a delicate balancing act where you need to teach your kids numbers but not well enough that they’re able to tell the time when you send them to bed early
My good tweets are in my other pants.
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
Natalie Imbruglia: I thought I saw a man brought to life. He was warm, he came around like he was dignified
Him:
“where’s waldo?” is a fun book that teaches children how to properly stalk a nice man who has done nothing do deserve any of this. an indispensable resource for every young creep
If I don’t stick to my diet, people are going to start calling me the last chairbender.
i’m the instant oatmeal packets in your pantry that you never want, but are glad you have.
[field sobriety test]
cop: stand with one foot off the ground and count 1001, 1002, and so on until I say stop
flamingo: oh hell yeah
FYI those little crosses along the interstate aren’t for squirrel crucifixions. I was wrong. The article I wrote about this was wrong.
why do these women want to date pete davidson, a funny movie star, and not me, a guy who is whining
If I get murdered please arrest the person who goes on tv and says I had “a zest for life.” I don’t care if they’re the killer but I don’t want my memory disrespected like that.
Kid 1: I’m bored
Kid 2: me too
Kid 3: our parents gave us horrible names
Me: Look, I really stuck my neck out for you and-
Vampire: wow
Me: Right off the bat you- No, I’m just saying it bites, I mean it sucks when-
Vampire: WOW
Nothing makes me feel as dumb as choking on water. Where is it even going? I have one throat and we do this literally 100 times a day. Just go straight down, bro.
Two reasons you never date at work: 1. HR frowns upon it. 2. Your partner gets super pissed.