Now I lay me down to rest.
I pray your TC loves you best.
If he does choose another,
I sincerely hope it’s not your mother.
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Why are we all Facebook friends with an English teacher we had in high school
Who ya gonna believe babe… me or some random police report.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
I need a house elf. No weirdos tho.
almost feel bad for the wealthy folks that gotta buy things like cobwebs and rats and bats and haunted skeletons of their landlord to decorate their house for Halloween I got all that for free
Hate when other parents at school drop off act like they’re better than me just because they remembered to bring all of their children
I told my therapist what you said and she’s gonna call your therapist and you’re in big trouble
I took my sandwich out of the bag and I saw THIS! I went back and spoke with the manager an demanded an explanation. He looked confused, so I pointed at the writing and asked why someone felt the need to write it. He answered, “because you ordered a BLT with cheese?”🙈
I love how fresh & clean my bathroom smells after I’ve killed a spider with a full bottle of windex
My dad always used to say ‘if you take care of the small things, the big things take care of themselves’. This cost him his job at the zoo.
{1st day as a correctional therapist}
Me: you need to free yourself from the prison-
Inmate: *excitedly unfolds escape plan*
Me: OF YOUR MIND
Inmate: *sadly folds escape plan*
Toys ‘R Us pulled Breaking Bad figures because the characters sold drugs, but continue to sell Darth Vader ones, and he blew up a planet.
Relationship status: It’s not complicated I’m just an idiot
I love you to the refrigerator and back
Mystery bruises are god’s little way of saying, “Perhaps you should drink less, whore.”
If she’s not ruining your life…..She’s just not that into you.
The last time I said I wanted to try missionary, she sent me to a remote village in Africa
If sharks are so tough how come not a single one turned up to fight me behind the school last Friday
My son just chose his university, which means for the next five years I’ll have two kids attending college.
Naturally, this morning I did some financial planning…marking the convenience stores I plan to rob.
Son: Have you ever heard of Busta Rhymes?
Dad: Sure, grew up listening to him
Son: So he’s like 100 years old?
Star Wars VII: the force awakens
Star Wars VIII: the force goes out to play
Star Wars IX: goodnight force
I believe extraterrestrials arrived on Earth via flying lavatories. I believe in scientoiletgy, my friends.
Make your cavity search more entertaining by keistering surprises for the TSA agent.
What did you find, Gary? No that’s not a Chinese finger trap. Keep looking.
Him: “I’ve seen people cry at weddings, but not the rehearsal dinner.”
Me: “I usually don’t cry…but these potatoes are just so awesome!”
[wife talking to me on phone 45 mins after I go to play poker at friends house]
“stop crying for a second…what do you mean you lost me?”
I canceled my plans to go swimming because it was threatening to rain. I was OK with getting wet but only on my terms.
The only time my ex will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground.
I miss the 80s, when you could hide an alien in your room for 3 days before mom found out and five kids on bikes could outsmart the police.
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.