*naked in boots*
Omg I’m gonna win this Shrek costume contest
You Might Also Like
My family thinks short term memory loss is adorable when a fish has it in Finding Dory, but when I have it, “Mommy has a drinking problem”.
Picnic ruined by underwhelming potato salad (and Fire ants).
CAT LAWYER: [pushes defense team off the table]
*At the bar
Me)Is this seat taken?
Woman)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s OK, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
Jerry, we tried, but we were never a perfect fit.
You’re part of a cactus and I’m a piece of a skull in the lower left-hand corner, I think.
-puzzle pieces breaking up
Capt. Marvel: I would like to return this product.
Salesperson: what seems to be the problem?
Capt. Marvel: well, you called it a vacuum cleaner, so I tried using it in space and it didn’t clean any vacuum.
INTERVIEWER: under Strengths you’ve written ‘dishonesty’…?
ME: No I haven’t
Me: pass me that cup
Kid: *gives me cup*
Me: I didn’t say simon says haha
[Later]
Me: PASS… MY… INHALER
Kid: not falling for that again
My baby’s daycare teacher said tomorrow is pajama day which is awkward because I send him wearing pajamas every day
I don’t like atheism. I’ve worked too many minimum wage jobs for someone to tell me there’s nothing after this. I once waitresses the smoking section of Applebee’s. Smelled like divorce papers signed with a gun shot. I need heaven!
5-year-old: Dad, can you make the rain go away?
Me: Someone more powerful than me controls the weather.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Mom?
Unless you’re a pregnancy test, take that negativity elsewhere.
My kid just called me by “hey you” and I saw all my other kids and the dogs turn and walk out of the room faster than they’ve ever walked before.
An egg with 28 followers says I’m not funny. So if you need me, I’ll just be in the kitchen making an omelette.
Me: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
H: You do realize I’m your husband, right?
Imagine me with poor grammar. Wrong. Worser.
Me: 4, watch this! *eats hard boiled egg in one bite*
4, unamused: Now do it with the shell on.
Latte is the most popular part of the pumpkin spice plant.
Me: I miss baseball
Umpire: Strike one!
FACEBOOK: join your friends at these events that might interest you nearby
ME: not today satan
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead Linda
I lost my job because my manager heard me slapping one of the customers. He wasn’t even at work. He heard from home.
My 5-year-old who just turned 5 talks about being 5 like she’s reached the peak of adulthood, “I’m 5 now.” Relax girlfriend you can’t even open your own fruit snacks.
Rather than trying to “change” your passwords, accept them for their imperfections and they will grow stronger than you can possibly imagine
“Honey, don’t try to feed ice cream to the Christmas tree,” is a thing I literally just said.
Is there something I can hang around my neck to show that I’m a big fan of crucifixions?
30 is weird because I have pictures of my friends’ kids on my camera roll but also like a ton of nudes.
If you say the word gaslighting 3 times in a mirror it summons Shaggy singing It Wasn’t Me
My tween would like you to know I ruined his life when I told him to stop being super sus and cringe and be more lit yo.