doc: [looking at clipboard] no no this isn’t good at all
me: omg why god whyy
doc: i asked for goldenrod and this form is ivory
me: wait, i’m not dying?doc: whoa there, hold your horses
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*tries to get in your pantries*
There is no typo here.
“Can someone call me a doctor?!”
You’re a doctor.
“Please I’m losing my patience!”
You’re a terrible doctor.
When I went to bed last night I had 47,000 followers. Now I have 700.
Did I spell something wrong?
When I weakly slam the microwave door, but it doesn’t latch and springs back to smack me in the face… I probably deserved that.
Mark Wahlberg will star in 6 films over the next 14 months meanwhile Donnie Wahlberg just placed 7th in a Donnie Wahlberg look alike contest
Now that people ignore word meanings and say they haven’t done/seen/whatever something “in a minute” when they actually mean anything from a week to thirty years, I’m going to take that concept in the other direction and describe small time periods as “several millenia.”
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
Y’know who else threw the bubble-wrap away without popping all the bubbles?
Hitler
Text is the perfect way of saying I have some information I need to give you but I in no way shape or form want to hear your voice
Me: I won’t force religion on my child
Also me: *decorates 3’s room in all Marvel stuff*
Flex on your relatives by answering their phone call.
I texted my husband and reminded him that you guys told me a couple of weeks ago that it doesn’t take 6 hours to play 18 holes of golf.
His response, “You can’t believe everything you read on the Internet.”
The baby changing station in this Chili’s bathroom is broken
I put the old baby in there and when I opened it back up it was the same one
I get it, Christmas tree. I too am better when I’m lit up.
wife [whispers] Josh
me
wife *nudges me* Josh
me: Huh? What?
wife: You were explaining the plot to Space Jam in your sleep again
Old superstition:
When wife laughs at your jokes:
It means you have guests in the house.
Everybody loves a foam finger. Unless you’re sitting behind a very energetic child wearing one at a ballgame.
THEM: What’s it called when you think about them all the time?
ME: Love.
T: What if it’s about murdering them all the time?
M: Also love.
My 10 y/o daughter refused to eat the oatmeal I made her because it “tastes like wet cardboard” so I tried to be funny and asked her how she would know what wet cardboard tastes like.
10: Don’t ask. The pandemic was hard on all of us.
The kids are asking for fun shaped sandwiches for their back-to-school lunches and I’m so flattered they’ve mistaken me for the kind of mother who would do that
I thought stacking Oreos and displaying them in a decorative jar was a great idea, but I’m just eating them instead.
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
Me: *sets alarm for 7am*
Brain: Sounds important! I’m going to go ahead and wake you up three hours early
Nobody invites me to spa day…
Just because I ate the cucumbers off everyone’s eyes and used their face cream as dip ONE time.
Nirvana, according to most Buddhists I’ve spoken to, is quite literally the best alternative rock band to have ever existed.
money is tight this year. everybody is getting a macaroni necklace for christmas
My 7yo, as we drive past the tennis courts near his school: “that’s where all the old grandpas yell at each other.”
I resigned after being refused a pay rise and submitted six applications for my job. Mgmt gloated how far better candidates had applied to replace me. I gloated when none of them turned up for interview. Had to buy sim cards and create emails to pull this off. Totally worth it.
Friend: Hi, How have you been?
Me: Why? What have you heard?
blenders are like “hey use me to make a healthy drink then spend 4 days getting me clean”