Having a loose stool means two completely different things depending on if you are a nurse or a bartender.
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Me: Who could that be? It’s 2:00 in the morning.
Her: I don’t know. Do burglars knock?
Me: It depends on how they were raised…
Acquaintance: If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?
Me: Into the Witness Protection Program.
TECH HIRING MANAGER: Have you done IT work before?
PENNYWISE: Done IT? Pal, I’ve lived IT
Flew too close to the sun? Buddy, I live too close to the sun.
“Dad, what’s a coworker?”
“Someone you block on social media.”
My son just blurted out “crazy that fish breathe a beverage” and then carried on talking about other stuff but I can’t stop thinking about it.
Don’t be shallow and marry someone just for their looks. Make sure they have money.
ME: let me take you to a nice dinner
HER: ok
ME: somewhere they make the food right there in front of you
HER: oh like Benihana?
ME: (slipping subway coupons back in my pocket) I guess so
If I had a time machine I’d destroy the invention of autotune and say “good luck being famous now you talentless brats!”
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: they give us oxygen. Also cats like to climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: they cannot
Me: Are the bowling trophies included?
Realtor: Haha
Me: …
Realtor: …no, they aren’t
Me: I’m not interested then
I’m sorry I hurt your feelings. Here’s a bag of frozen peas for any swelling.
HER: Is that a potato in your pocket or ar-
ME: Yeah. I’m saving it for later.
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
The trick to taking your toddler to a movie is making sure there is another toddler in the theatre who is behaving worse.
Dyslexic Superbowl watchers were probably disappointed when they saw football instead of a superb owl.
I don’t trust people who keep their jackets on after they’ve arrived.
That’s what I do when I’m going to escape.
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
Loan sharks are just like regular sharks, except you have to give them back.
At the disco last night.
They played twist. I did the twist.
They played jump. I jumped.
They played come on Eileen. I got kicked out.
“Honey?! What did you feed him? His poop is huge … and green!”
[the first of many struggles that Bruce Banner’s parents faced]
Interviewer: It says here on your resume you can make chicks laugh, how?
Me [holding a chick in my hand & tickling it]: I’m a miracle worker
It’s almost summer and I’m only three stomach flus and a couple tapeworms away from my beach body!!!
*on hold for over an hour
That guy playing the piano must be exhausted.
Caught my kid wiping their boogers on the couch which is gross because I don’t want our boogers mixing.
doctors in 90s: really try to limit your screen time to 4 hours a day
doctors today: please for the love of God find a 10 minute stretch in your day where you’re not looking at a screen. actually nevermind. just do whatever you want. have some adderall
me: most people don’t use their middle names
machine kelly: it just feels dumb this way
Lord, grant me the temerity to demand others change the things I cannot change, blindness to the things I can, and narcissism to do it all on Twitter.
Why do we call it losing weight instead of lightening up?
Gold fish don’t like being pulled out of their tank for a cuddle.