“Choose password”
> 123bob“Password must not contain common names & must be complex with at least 50 characters”
> gameofthrones“OK”
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My idea to call our weekend bicycling group the “Pedalphiles” was not well-received AT ALL.
guess who just got fired. the big man at merriam webster didnt like me sneaking in my own ideas for words. not very pompsh of them. not very pompsh at hocklorp
HBO decided to rename themselves “Max” instead of so many other solid guy names like “Kevin” or “Brian”.
Him: These candles are so romantic!
Me: They’re necessary for my human sacrifice ritual.
I recorded my husband snoring and then played it back to hear it and he rolled over and said, “TURN THAT DOWN I’M TRYING TO SLEEP!”
Current fitness level: my arm gave out while blow drying my hair.
TEACHER: if i have 5 apples and take away 2, what’s left
KID: your left or my left
A bear went into a bar.
“I’d like a whiskey…….
and coke.”
Bartender asks “why the long pause?”
Bear says “oh, I was born with them”.
“Can you delete that photo of me? It looks EXACTLY the way I look in real life.”
-People
listening to jazz: do any of them know what the other ones are playing
You’ve been kidnapped. Your kidnappers allow you to keep tweeting to pretend everything is alright. What would you tweet that would alarm your followers without the kidnappers knowing you’re asking for help?
“And then I put in the exact amount of garlic the recipe called for.”
ppl come over to ur house and are like “can i get myself a glass of water” and ur like “sure” and u look over and they’ve chosen literally the most random glass you’ve ever seen
“Some say I have a drinking problem”
*pours glass of water on lap*
I meant to take a long refreshing chug of soda, but I had not opened the can, so basically I french kissed aluminum.
Just killed a giant fucking spider with my wife’s bare hand.
[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
*handing nurse a bedpan*
Me: I pooped in thisNurse: you’re not a patient here
Why hasn’t anyone stopped him?
Please stay on the line. Your call is important to us. We think we might be in love with your call. We made your call a mix tape.
[me talking to someone one year younger than me]
listen, kid…
Standing by the stove, eating scrambled eggs out of the frying pan with a spatula, but in a sexy way.
Since Hemsworth didn’t go for Thanos’s head, Avengers: Infinity War is a Chris miss movie.
[Being kidnapped]
Me: i can feel it.. Stockholm syndrome
kidnapper: its been 10 minutes
me: should we invite your brother to the wedding?
“Alexa, make a clapping noise so the lights turn on”
Murderer, trying to kill me: what are you doing
Me, very competitive: *holding my breath* beating you to it
Black Friday: Because Only in America, People trample others for Sales the day after being thankful for what they already have
Boss: We’re doing a role-playing exercise today
Me: *dressed as a sexy nurse* Hell yeah
Boss: My office please
Me: Ooooh
Boss: Not like that
What rhymes with “hug me”?
Chutney.
Me: *rolling up a dollar bill for my coke*
Date: holy shit you can’t do that in here
Me: but I can’t drink it without a straw