Most dead bodies are found by dog walkers or joggers.
Working theory: Dog walkers and joggers are serial killers.
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I refuse to clean my house before you arrive because it perpetuates our slavery to capitalism. Just kidding, I’ve vacuumed the attic in case you wanted to see our 15 year old baby gates.
When a band has Z’s where S’s should be in their name, I’m like, “Woah, watch out! These bad boys aren’t playing by society’s rules.”
The last couple years haven’t been ALL bad. Just look at the repertoire of potato-based coping strategies you’ve developed
my kid said her friend was ‘absinthe’ from class today and I’m wondering if should inform their parents
People assume I am stupid because I am nice and smiley and a helper and that’s working out for me so why fight it
White Castle for the Win
[meeting my gf’s parents]
her: *quietly* don’t worry, my dad’s nice but he doesn’t say much[later]
her dad: I love my daughter very a lot
me: i see
Kids today will never know the pressure of sending an email to ten other people OR THEY WILL DIE.
Never seen anyone in Nandos or McDonald’s pick up an appropriate amount of napkins – you’re cleaning up after a burger not a double homicide
If the marriage counselor asks how long since you’ve had sex, she means with your spouse. Learn from my mistakes.
It’s confusing how my kid is failing drama when he puts on award winning performances anytime he’s asked to do anything
Game developer: his name is Donkey
Nintendo: nice
Developer: he’s a gorilla
Nintendo: ok twist
Developer: who wears a necktie
Nintendo: hm anything else? pants?
Developer: how would a gorilla put on pants?
Nintendo: right, yeah I wasn’t thinking
I’m going to invent an app that tells you where the nearest bar is with no guy on a stool playing acoustic guitar.
WHY *smack* DON’T *smack* YOU *smack* JUST *smack* USE *smack* THE *smack* RETWEET *smack* BUTTON?
Judge: Approach the bench.
Cat Lawyer:
Judge: pspspsps
Reasons to have a landline phone:
1. To find your cell phone when it’s missing
2. See reason #1
Once I was napping & 5yo daughter
dropped her Barbie Car on my face,
she explained it tho, she said
“sorry dad, I thought you were asleep”.
“What fruit or vegetable extract have we not said was good for your hair yet?”
~Shampoo developers probably
This sounds more like an accusation than a question.
*taps on a super old dude’s oxygen tank* you know that you can get this stuff for free right
NO I didn’t eat a whole box of Girl Scout Cookies. I just ate all the cookies inside it.
ME: [explaining to a class of students] The real reason sharks lose teeth so often is because they have a very bad memory
ZOOKEEPER: [into walkie-talkie] She’s back
You can lead a horse to water but I don’t know why you’d want to do that when there are infinitely cooler places to hang out with a horse. Take them out dancing. Go rock climbing. Change it up. Don’t let things get dull. Part of love is constantly surprising each other.
OMG, GODZILLA IS COMING TO ATTACK NEW ENGLAND AND WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE-oh, he said huge blizzard, not lizard… Carry on then.
My favourite child is the one who just told me I’m so funny. Don’t know her name yet but she lives down the street.
If you’re looking for an experimental couple, we’re trying a new chicken recipe tonight, hit us up.
If you ever want a bad date to end just say “you remind me of my mother.” If you REALLY want to sell it leave out the “my”
I got 99 socks but a pair ain’t one
You know you’ve got a drinking problem when you’re looking at the unleaded nozzle being labeled as 15% ethanol and you’re like “same, brother”
Text to Hubs:
If it’s not too much trouble can you get me a bottle of wine and a fuzzy blanket?Hubs:
You’re literally sitting next to me.