when cоvid is over “mask off” will be the #1 song in the world and then we will finally understand why his name is future
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he died doing what he loved: trying to find out if gang members are ticklish
When I am president, it will be legal to grab the waists of slow and distracted pedestrians on cell phones and race them along.
My wife bought me a nice jacket at a second hand store but it has the name Bubba embroidered on it, I guess I’m Bubba now.
*walks into Forever 21*
*gets pulled aside*
Umm, we don’t really mean FOREVER.
Her: A group of iguanas is called a Mess. I love that.
Him: What happens if they get overheated?
Her: I see where this is going. Don’t even think of-
Him: *whispers* hot mess.
My kid put her little stethoscope to my stomach and told me I was “full of bees,” and now I’m stressed because I’m pretty confident my insurance won’t cover this.
It’s the man who is supposed to be getting up to make the coffee in the morning. It’s even in the Bible under “Hebrews.”
AC changed “self-love” to “seldom love.” So my phone and I are now in couples therapy.
Oh, you’re a parent? Then how many times have you moved a cup back from the edge of the table this week?
The thing that’s wrong with oatmeal raisin cookies is that they’re oatmeal raisin cookies.
The only time I ever make a good call is when I order pizza
I met my wife while on holiday. Which was awkward, as I’d told her I was going to a funeral.
How much mint do I have to muddle into this mojito for it to count as a serving of vegetables?
saw this in a dream
I should have known my first marriage was doomed from the start when the minister hurried us along because a funeral was coming in.
me: my horse won’t eat
vet: ok there are several-
me: I think he’s a haytheist
vet:
me:
vet: you don’t even have a horse do you
Oh, your boyfriend’s learning spanish in isolation? That’s cute.
I’ve taught myself to throw a garden rake with astounding accuracy. But you made your choice.
I bet if Jesus had turned water into Vodka. The Bible would’ve been a lot more interesting.
Pro Tip: wash your hands after you shake mine
“what’s a skit rip?”
– me, misreading “ski trip” on the mini crossword time to put me in a nursing home omg
I was a horrible mother today and declared that I loved one of my kids more than the other. Well what I really said was, ‘please don’t hit your sibling’ but apparently it’s the same thing
Told my roommate that megamillions was up to $825 million and she said, “yeah but that’s only $400 million after taxes”. Our kitchen is in our living room.
“Dammit. I had shit planned today.”
— a spider being carried out of the house with a cup and piece of paper
My therapist told me to set a boundary with my family so I built an electric fence around my house. This therapy stuff is really working!
Tuba = Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
doctor: open up
me: it all started when my dad left
doctor: and say ahh
me: oh
doctor: no, “ahh”
It’s been a week with no gluten and minimal sugar, I’ve lost hearing in my left foot.
(Trying to scream over a construction worker’s jackhammer) YOU GUYS MAKIN A BUILDING?
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.