They should invent clothes that get fat with you
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one time my dad walked in on me smoking an E cig and made me eat a whole pack of batteries
In case you don’t believe there’s any way your kid’s stories could be longer, my 12 y/o just told me a story about a YouTube video, with the hiccups.
One time I got so mad at capitalism I paid off all my credit cards
A zombie apocalypse would barely make the news.
MOM: [walks into daughter’s room, sees protest signs, history books, list of senators’ phone numbers on bed] Are you… politically active?
I can’t get you off of my mind. I need you inside of me now. C’mere, and let me devour you.
-me, to my cheese and crackers.
I got new glasses with a new prescription, and I honestly feel that I can see too much right now. It’s too much sight.
Enthusiasm 1 – 0 Judgement
OMG. I saw Leonardo da Vinci trending and thought he died.
Kids are great bc it’ll be freezing and they’ll complain about being cold and you have to remind them that they can wear pants
Nice try, horror movies, but the scariest thing I’ve ever seen is still a 4-year-old holding a sharpie without the cap.
Drink responsibly? Responsibility is why I drink.
*brings elephant to knife fight
*nobody talks about it
whenever i see that someone somewhere has spent a bunch of time making or designing or building something i think about how crazy it is that they never thought to check in with me, the guy with no skills or expertise who spent 10 seconds looking at a tweet about it
[Reviewing my 9-year-old’s Amazon wishlist for her birthday]
Me: I don’t understand what half this stuff is.
9: You don’t have to understand it. You just have to buy it.
i love making the whole conversation so awkward that the most anyone can say after is “so yeah…”
If you aren’t happy single, you won’t be happy taken. Real happiness comes from The Cheesecake Factory, not relationships.
[taking atendance]
teacher: jimmy
jimmy: here
teacher: susie
susie: here
teacher: (sighs) omnipresemt sentinel
omnipresent sentinel: always
[job interview]
Me: Time travel
Boss: What is your biggest stren—WHAT?!
I took someone else’s coffee at Starbucks. I’m Tiffany now
*hears someone breaking in*
*grabs gun and walks down hallway*
*cord drags*
*realizes I grabbed Nintendo gun from Duck Hunt*
*gets shot*
Why do they report on the hurricane by standing in the middle of the hurricane?
When there’s a house fire, no one reports on it from inside the house.
Teenagers should not handle weapons to fight crime or be turtles.
Aye. Do dis mean I get 3 wishes or nah
WIFE: I’m tired of you living in a fantasy world
ME: *imagining she’s Kate Upton* You always say that, Kate
WIFE: Who is Kate? WHO IS KATE?
I found my 6yo at the dining room table drawing a picture.
Me: “What are you drawing?”
6yo: “I’m making something for my sister.”
Me: “Awww, you are? That’s so nice. What is it?”
6yo: “A sign that says DON’T TOUCH MY STUFF.”
I figured it was too good to be true.
wife: What’s the best moment of your life?
me: That time I won a stuffed dino-
wife: That didn’t involve a dinosaur
me: Our wedding
Just heard a dad threaten to spank his screaming son “in front of the world.” Stand your ground, kid. There’s no way he has that technology.
My kid is having lasagna for breakfast.
Omg I’m raising Garfield!!