Gang Leader: If you wanna join, you need to prove you’re fearless
Me: People ask me to social events and I actually go
Gang Leader: *takes step back* holy shit
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cop pulling me over: whoa whoa, where are you off to in such a hurry
me: some of your colleagues are chasing me
dog: i saw u out there
me: what?
dog: i saw u pet the neighbor dog
me: i was just–
dog: did u rub his belly? DID U ASK IF HE WAS A GOOD BOY?
My daughter can open just about any front door using a credit card, so your kids honor roll certificate seems a little useless right now.
Having kids is a little like when the free sample lady tries to tell you all about the cheese & you pretend to be interested while you eat.
Perfect Date:
1) Get kids out of the house
2) Light some candles
3) Burn the house down
4) Collect the insurance
5) Take her somewhere nice
I just said, “Have a good nice!” to a drive-thru attendant, so real quick everybody start saying that so I don’t feel stupid, thanks
You know how you stumble to the bathroom at night keeping your eyes squeezed shut so you don’t fully wake up?
That’s the whole month of January for me
Him: 🎶 In the jungle the mighty jungle the lion sleeps tonight. 🎶
Her: Please don’t sing to it when you are down there
You: Artfully arranges flowers in vase so the room looks nice
Me: Artfully arranges garbage in trash so the kids don’t see what I threw out
my mom taught me to say “not my circus, not my monkeys” when some crazy shit someone was doing wasn’t my business. but when my friends are doing crazy shit it’s tough. bc I’m like that’s not my circus… but that’s MY monkey
Calm down, people on FB who ran the Detroit marathon. I’d be running a shit load too if I were in Detroit.
Corgis are great when you want a wolf that’s a loaf of bread.
Therapist: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Would I be here if I did? Did you really go to school for this shit?
me: what’s your sign?
chef: spisces
Approx 4,500yrs ago men would wake up everyday to build the great pyramid. I got up this morning with anxiety about unloading the dishwasher
“You are now about to witness the STRENGTH of street knowledge,” I tell my Über passengers as I turn off my GPS.
It’s my birthday eve, when Birthday Claus comes down the chimney and leaves me three additional wrinkles, two new mysterious body aches, and a skin tag.
It’s fun finding love notes my wife hides around the house, it would be even better if they were for me
[goes back to Target just for the things I forgot]
cashier: that’ll be $337.48 and can you describe the children
I saved my husband’s life insurance company 1 million dollars by switching to xanax.
inappropriate Care Bears be like:
Where do rainbows go when they’re bad?
Prism. It’s a light sentence
When my family makes me mad, I make them eat quinoa. I am drunk with power
Husband seen complaining about a plate that hadn’t been cleaned properly which he’d personally cleaned.
We’re having lobsters for dinner .
Update – we have pet lobsters now
What do you mean your “water broke”? Did the H2 fall off the O?
Sometimes you have to put your phone down and take a look at what’s around you..
And wonder how you drove your car into a swimming pool.