I’m not technically a lawyer but I do have 3 court cases next week.
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If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
[Restaurant]
Date: I like guys who plan ahead
Me: Excuse me, waiter! *Leans in* Make sure my widow here is well looked after
FACT : Half of all missing person reports involve people trying to find their way out of IKEA.
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
AMAZON, 1998: hello we sell books but online
AMAZON, 2023: please return to your Primehouse for your nightly Primemeal, valued Primecitizen
Reasons my teen is mad this morning
– I took her shopping
– I bought the shirt she wanted
– I asked her to wear the shirt
– I don’t understand why the shirt doesn’t have the vibes
Motives for murder:
1. Jealousy
2. Sex
3. Greed
4. Snoring
my gf bought a table, a doily, and then a much smaller table and a much smaller doily
My friend never knew the difference between ‘infer’ and ‘imply’ which was never an issue until he opened a club called Disco Implyno
Why I update my apps
:-For the new features ❌:-for the notifications to go away✅
4k tvs? no thanks i only need one
The good news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
The bad news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
6YO: Can I eat a cookie?
Me: Finish your dinner first
6YO: My stomach is full except for a circle shaped space
One of my exes left me bcuz, according to her, I’ll never amount to anything. 15 years later & let me just say this… Lucky guess.
Realtor: Hi. Would you like a tour?
Me: (stuffing cookies in my purse) The sign said there would be sandwiches too.
Tech support: Your hard drive is corrupt and can’t be recovered
Me: So the book I’ve been writing for 5 years has gone forever?!!!
Tech Support: how much had you written?
Me *still in shock* almost 7 sentences
*leper colony removes ‘A Farewell to Arms’ from it’s ‘suggested reading list’
I just want to be rich enough where I snap my fingers and 7 people fight over who gets to make me my next grilled cheese.
If there’s one thing children have taught me it’s how to count down from 5 while pretending there’s a huge consequence if I ever reach zero.
me: please go clean your room
5: mom don’t yuck on my yums
me: who taught you that?
5: my teacher
me: …how do you feel about being a kindergarten dropout?
When my wife wants my opinion, she’ll give it to me.
This is from an actual conversation 🤣🤣
Scientist: We don’t really know exactly how that happens. They’re performing electron microscopy, PCR, & tissue cultures to figure it out
Random person: Did you try searching the internet?
Thanks to ChristianMingle, I met the woman I will put through a terrifying emotional rollercoaster before I finally come out of the closet.
I’ve got chicken fingers and a McRib, a few more parts and my monster will be complete.
[hears baby crying]
Wife: can you go check on him
Me: there’s no way he’s finished in the bath already
All I’m saying is, no word’s meaning changes more as you age than the word party.
Me: OMG my phone is at 60% and I have to go to the grocery store, I need a charger immediately
My 13yo: My phone is at 5% and I’m about to scale Everest, later
instagram: look at my new boyfriend
twitter: I can’t get a boyfriend
reddit: my [21F] boyfriend [53M] boyfriend forbids me from going into the basement and has a sock drawer full of missing women’s driver’s licenses, AITA for being uncomfortable? the wedding is in three hours
Watching drunk twins fight.
The similarities are staggering, and striking.
I bet somebody on Facebook is vowing to not eat Russian salad dressing EVER AGAIN.