ME: …and that’s what the ‘sine’ function is used for
MY SON: I will never have to know this again in my life
ME: Oh you will son, trust me
{20 years later…}
MY GRANDSON: Dad?
MY SON: Yes?
MY GRANDSON: What’s the ‘sine’ function used for?
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Turns out a spiral-cut ham will not walk down stairs like a Slinky.
Lots of people ask me why I’m still single and I don’t tell them anything, I just hang around them for a few minutes
Daddy, why is grandma so bitter?
I don’t know, son; seems to run in the family. Your great uncle tasted awful
I got my husband to watch Game of Thrones with me by telling him “Just wait. There’s a good car chase comin’ up”
Always leave your door unlocked when you shower in case your kids have an emergency. Like when they have to show you how big their aluminum foil ball is.
I bring giant stuffed animals into carnivals so when I walk around people will think that I am good at something.
The bartender just threw the bottle of vodka in the air and caught it. Maybe next time it’ll turn into a college degree.
I usually spend my Sundays texting apologies but I’ve had an alcohol free weekend now I have nothing to do.
There are approximately zero ways to chase paper in the wind without looking like the village idiot
Baby showers are fun until someone has too much champagne and starts a plastic knife fight over a corner piece of cake.
I need a ride home.
My number constantly gets falsely placed on a youth soccer team’s phone number list. I finally responded.
Found out today my ex girlfriend married a successful businessman. I’m probably better off without her, seems like she has ambition and standards
Parents: Don’t play with sharp objects.
Parents in October: Here’s a knife. Now stab this pumpkin.
me: *finally falling back asleep in the middle of the night*
my brain: *make her think she heard the doorbell*
My doctor asked my blood type and I said I don’t really have a ‘type’ I just like blood that makes me laugh
The only time I complain about my husband being on his phone is when I’m not on mine.
Insomnia: Hi
Me: Hi
I: Hope I’m disturbing you
M: You are
I: You know what we could do?
M: Let me sleep?
I: HA, no, let’s think about hippos
Most women put a bun on the top of their head, they look like a ballerina. I do it and I’m Tweetybird’s Granny from Looney Tunes.
Me: But what will I eat?
Nutritionist: *provides me with a list of healthy foods*
Me:
Nutritionist:
Me: But what will I eat?
people really have no faith in me – i told my co-worker, “i had to have coke this morning for a little pick me up” … another co-worker heard me and was like, “what? you did a line before school?”
*in case you all don’t have the faith either – it was a can of coca cola
the whole internet loves Stanley Cups, the viral cup that you can drink from! *5 seconds later* we regret to inform you the cup is poison
Me: just running to the store, who cares what I’m wearing
Also me: runs into everybody I know
[samurai kindergarten]
Sensei: CHILDREN! We do not hit each other. What do we do?
Kids: *in unison* We use our swords.
Jesus watching Shrek: They really should call this Donkey.
Always practice yodeling, suddenly, in a packed elevator.
With a dog, you have a glimpse into parenting. With a cat, you have a glimpse into marriage.
you’re supposed to save up 3 months salary to buy an airport sandwich
The Kardashians is what happens when you feed a gremlin after midnight.
[using my one prison phone call in 2007] yes, one vote for Sanjaya please
During fireworks is the best time to shoot someone.