Made something I’m not proud of
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Baby needs a costume? Wrap it in tin foil. Baked potato. Next question.
I’ve been introducing myself as Jim The Chosen One ever since I was named milk monitor in grade 6.
It’s the 20th anniversary of Infinite Jest and the 6th anniversary of my buying Infinite Jest and never getting around to reading it.
I love when really expensive products say ‘apply generously’ like of course you would say that
ME: How do I tell Billy his grampa died?
WIFE: Just say he went up to the sky…{later}
ME: Your grampa’s on the International Space Station
Why did Gandalf bring a firework that suddenly transforms into a dragon to an elderly dragon attack survivor’s birthday. does he not like Bilbo
So, nothing rhymes with orange, huh?
*changes name to MC Orange, wins every rap battle, and retires undefeated*
Anyone who tells you to get kids to help more around the house has never asked kids to help more around the house.
*fingerpaints your nude portrait using a can of Easy Cheese*
To the twenty something year old girls who think forty something year old women are jealous of them- enjoy your next 240 periods!
We’re all lucky we didnt grow up in medieval times because most court jesters were murdered.
if I ever go missing, it won’t be hiking. you guys don’t even have to look there.
My nine year old stayed home with me today. The time is 11:30 am.
She has spoken more words today than I did in December.
If you think it hurts to lose a boyfriend/girlfriend, you’ve clearly never lost close to 500 GB’s worth of data on your hard drive.
Taking my sunglasses out of 2’s hands while he naps in the car is the closest I will come to diffusing a bomb.
There’s no “u” in employee. You’re fired.
I’ve got all my ducks in a row but these chickens have no concept of symmetry.
Music Royalty Succession Chart
Queen
|
Prince
|
Duke Ellington
|
Steve Earle
|
Lorde
|
Lady Gaga
|
Sir Mix-a-Lot
You may think a squirt of water in the face is the best way to reprimand cats but turns out it works pretty well on people too.
The fact that ‘head and shoulders’ doesn’t have a body wash called knees and toes is as much as a disappointment to me, as I am in myself, for writing this Tweet.
People Magazine chooses Channing Tatum as “Sexiest Man Alive”. Do we really need the “alive” part or is the zombie vote that strong?
Men: “once you get married you never get any sex”.
[wife walks around the house completely naked]
Every man: *continues to be completely hypnotized by whatever sports game is on*
how come some families are all, like, “we’re direct descendants of many important historical figures,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle cletus.”
One day I plan on walking into a bar on a foggy night in some small town I’ve never been to before and say “Large Marge sent me.”
Sometimes when my cat is sitting on a chair, I sneak up, shake the chair hard, yelling, “EARTHQUAKE!” Sadly, like many, she’s not prepared
[on a date]
him: I just want someone who isn’t obsessed with their phone
me: *slowly slides the 20 ft charger I was about to plug into the restaurant wall back into my purse*
The A string on my guit_r is flat
No handshakes?! Then how am I supposed to know when the mating ritual is over?
Me starting a diet: I’m gonna be so skinny.
Me on a diet: being fat is fine.
For my niece’s 7th birthday, I’m filling a pinata with a smaller pinata. When she breaks it open I’m gonna yell “Oh God! She was pregnant!”