My memory is pretty bad until I’m pissed off, and then you are in for quite the surprise.
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The plot thickens.
Mostly because my grave digger had no idea just how fat I was.
Tip: “At the same time” has more characters than “simultaneously.”
The point is, having a vocabulary helps you tweet gooder.
[creation]
GOD: You will each have a flaw
BAT: I am blind
SNAKE: I am deaf
DOG: My breath is a little bad
I couldn’t remember the word tumbleweed
If I were married, my wife would not be shoveling snow after working a long shift. Not with these gutters that need cleaning.
When in Texas…
*heads into the desert*
*hugs cactus*
*shoots said cactus*
*rides off into the sunset on horseback*
[friend being eaten by a bear]
*screaming violently*
Me: Stay calm! Don’t move so much! I’m trying to take a picture for snapchat!
My kids asked me what people were protesting about on tv so I had to sit them down and very carefully explain that people are still angry about the horrible Mother’s Day gift they bought me.
[shopping for make-up]
“Excuse me, what will make my eyes pop?”
“I know exactly what you need.”
[boots you into the vacuum of deep space]
Who are we?
CLIENTS!What do we want?
WE DON’T KNOW!When do we want it?
RIGHT NOW!
Just saw a rainbow………great now the sky is gay
The overwhelming majority of haunted stuff happens in hallways and stairways, which is why a studio apartment is the best choice ghost-wise.
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
I made quiche, like a real grown-up. I feel like Tom Hanks in Castaway when he makes fire… I HAVE MADE QUICHE!
Hangovers only happen to people who stop drinking.
I should put a bowl of this Halloween candy in my office in case anyone wants some.
-Me, working from home. Alone.
Pavlov’s bell, but it’s me reading an email that I think says winebar when it’s actually webinar.
Tell me one musician who was born to ask permission to go online.
I’ll start: Kenny Loggins
I am Australian, hear me pronounce aluminum the correct way
BOSS: you’re late
ME: *grabs cup out of his hand* it’s pronounced “latte” but thanks
“I’m so hungry, I could eat a human baby.” Everyone in Whole Foods stares at me stunned “Corn-fed organic of course, I’m not a monster.”
TRUE STORY
Just made this restaurant change its “All you can drink Brunch” Policy.
Them: love what you do and you’ll never work a day in your life
Me: ok how can I make this apply to eating cheese?
I’m 32 never been married, no kids. Most people my age are married with kids. The older I get it is likely the man I marry will be a divorced dad. Satistically 80% of 2nd marriages with kids end in divorce. So what I’m saying is if you are looking for a 2nd ex wife hit me up.
Oh, you’re a politician? Name all the politics
People say that Twitter is pointless but it’s teaching my children to be self sufficient.
I replaced my old flat pillow that hurt my neck with a new fat fluffy pillow that hurts my neck.
I can think of a few ways to dirty up a bedroom..
*eats a nature valley granola bar on your bed, spills milk on the floor, wipes my face on your pillow*
your honor, i nominate the real murderer for the ice bucket challenge!! [a guy stands up] nice