Protip: if a woman you’re with is screaming “ELEPHANT! SENATOR! BANANA! EUCALYPTUS! MISSISSIPPI!” it’s because she probably forgot the safe word.
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The TV show Reacher answers the age-old question: what if there was a really big guy
God: when they’re stressed their hair will start to fall out
Angel: nice, like the unsightly body hairs they hate?
God: lol no no no, the hair on their head
Angel: [under breath] i miss satan
Can’t. Doing hot girl shit.
*decapitates lemon gummy bears with glistening incisors
Me: I’d kill for a donut
Donut: Whoa I said I was angry, I never said I wanted them dead
Let’s cut to the chase babe. I’ve only got a few DMs left.
Saving the planet will require sacrifice and right now I’m thinking you.
“Alone, here in the post-apocalypse, I can finally enjoy true silence,” I think, just before an aftershock sets off hundreds of car alarms…
ME: So you’re into football?
DATE: I’m a big Eagles fan.
ME: Omg same. I just love how they rescued Frodo from that mountain.
HER: I need to see other people.
Sometimes vampires bite and kill their victims and sometimes they bite and turn them into vampires. So it’s like, do I just want supper or do I want a BFF?
amazon: your order has been placed
me: great thanks
amazon: your order is being prepared
me: cool
amazon: your order is being put in the truck
me: it’s ok i don’t need an update on every step
amazon: the driver just buckled his seatbelt
I just can’t watch football, there’s too much “penetration in the backfield” for me to not giggle like an immature maniac.
me [after losing a rap battle]: I should have worn a hat
friend: yeah he really locked in on your side pony
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
You tell me to get off my high horse? Why dont you tell the damn horse to stop getting high all the time.. His drug problem isn’t my problem
when steven spielberg was my age he was directing Jaws. meanwhile i am posting stuff like “drunk yoda be like ‘good to drive i am, give me the keys you will'”
Friends: Come get a drink with us after work?
Me: Nah, I gave up drinking for my New Year’s Resolution.
Friends: C’mon, just have one….
Me: Ok, maybe just one.
[ three hours later at the club ]
Me:
See you when you get home from school, I whisper to my kid’s apple
DOG: where do you go every day?
OWNER: to work
DOG: i don’t know what that is, but sounds sad
CAT: you leave? really?
After 10 years of appointments, I know about everything about my dental hygienist, the only thing she knows about me is “hyugh.”
*Incorporates drinking with exercising by walking to the bar.
Friend: You’re going to be an usher at our wedding. Is that okay?
Me: Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah.
I dropped a telephone book on my foot, and when I called 911, they just sent a police car to arrest me for having a phone book in my house
[The Cheesecake Factory]
*looking at menu*
Alan Rickman voice: Turn to page 394.
My sons consider “it’s bedtime” my first offer in the negotiation process
Wife: Can we eat outside?
Me: *supportive* Of course babe. I love wasps.
You guys know that there are things higher than kites, right?
*slowly walking*
*sees kid out of corner of my eye*
Me: *walks faster*
Kid: *walks faster*
Me: *running at the swings, screaming*
MIIIIIINE!
I shaved and now I can fit into my smaller jeans.
[sex in car]
ME: Remember when you could do this without fear of strangers watching?
BF: Yes
UBER DRIVER: Would you like a water?