You come into my house on this, the day of my dark chocolate soy milk’s expiration?
You Might Also Like
If you’re wondering what all these scratches on my chest are from, it’s because my cat hates to get in the hot tub with me.
Always a bridesmaid, never a body at the bottom of a lake
What’s the name of that Tom Cruise movie where he runs around a lot?
The check engine light came on inside my oven.
There’s a disturbance in the coffee.
Y’all realise that you can play a joke on someone without it being April 1st? Like no one is monitoring this!
I was 17 before I realized that the reason the ocean is salty is not “because of something I did.” Thanks Dad.
Secret to a successful marriage is to compliment your spouse before discussing tasks and chores
Wife: Honey! Dan is here!
Me: Dan from work? Or Dan who changes all his swears into bunny-related PG cusses?
Dan: That’s right jack rabbits, Dan is all up in this motherthumper!
You’re a dog person? *Throws a stick* Well? Aren’t you going to run after it or are you cool with being a normal human that’s also a liar?
Boss: You were gone 7 hours to smoke?
Me: Well yeah. It was a brisket.
I got 99 socks but a pair ain’t one
My 7yo gave up a simple joke thats good enough 2 laugh at.
Why did the chewing gum cross the road?
Cause it was stuck on the chicken’s foot!
Corn mazes can be confusing until you remember corn isn’t walls and you can just walk right through it.
Friendly parenting reminder – as the weather starts to get nicer, don’t forget to close the windows before you yell at your kids.
*picks up rotary phone*
Nine (ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta)
One (ta)Murderer: Lol
Become a parent if you want to be judged by your kids on your ability to provide chocolate milk at any given moment and by other parents for being willing to
I need a fifth of Wild Turkey, some meth, three sticks of dynamite and a Bible. I’ll explain later.
New-to-school parent: I haven’t heard that — was it in one of the school emails?
Experienced parent: Oh I don’t know, don’t read those. Heard it from Becky whose neighbor’s sister-in-law works in the school office on Thursday mornings.
The fact that Zillow isn’t a pillow company is a goddamn tragedy, it’s a pillow plus zzz!
Me: These are my children, Brian & Susan.
Her: What?!? Children? Since when?
Me: Since I’m getting audited today.
No, YOU didn’t tighten the cap on my urine sample
I forgot to wear my glasses when I drove today. I didn’t even notice I wasn’t wearing them until the kid on my windshield said something
“Can we go outside and play now?”
“Soon, boy.”
“You said that ten minutes ago.”
“As soon as I finish my cof-“
“Oops.”
“You did that on purpose.”
“It slipped.”
“I’ll get my coat.”
“Excellent.”
Saw a truck with, “Hot Bob Express” written on the windshield. Im now concerned what Bob is delivering to people
Wife *rubbing her belly* we’ve got a date for our ultrasound
Me: omg
Wife: are we gonna find out what it is?
Me *googling what is ultrasound* way ahead of you
My key takeaway from Ghostbusters was that once you’re dead, your Miranda rights don’t count for shit.
I break it to my toddler that “L-M-N-O-P” is not one letter, but 5. And we’re going to have to learn every one of those effing bad boys. She is aghast. I calmly assure her this isn’t the first time she’ll be disappointed upon learning the “real” lyrics to a song she likes.
I don’t need anyone with a so-called degree “to” tell me I use quotes wrong.
do you think the guy who designed hand grenades really hated pineapples, or really loved them?