Spiders can live in my house until they get big enough where I feel compelled to find them before I fall asleep.
Now, everyone come help me find Carl.
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Tastes like chicken.
grandma: you kids are always on your silly phones
me: *looking at her on the floor with a broken hip* listen do you want me to call 911 or not
“I’m sorry, but are you suggesting what I think you’re suggesting?” -Fun way to confuse a waiter who just suggested a menu item
[talking to son on the phone]
“I ran away 3 weeks. You never called the police”
I’m sorry. We’ve been very busy with the holidays and all.
I didn’t even know this was an option. Considering it.
Me: *destroys spider web
Spider: wow
Me: *puts up fake spider web
Spider: WOW
[being strapped to a medieval torture table]
“tbh not what I thought you meant when you said you were going to show me a nice rack”
“Slow down, it’s not a race,” I tell my kids because I want that last piece of pizza.
Teens think they have an all-purpose insult for uncool people over 30 with “OK boomer”, but little do they know uncool people over 30 are about to deploy our most devastating weapon against it: ruthlessly appropriating it until it’s cringingly uncool to say it in any circumstance
Finally a chicken taxidermy curiosity for the rest of us!
*reaches for the stars*
Stars: I have a boyfriend
fired
Tim Cook bravely announces he’s gay.
The world pats his hand like a kindly grandmother.
“We know, dear.”
A water park, but it’s just the bathroom counter after my kids brush their teeth
son: hey dad
me: [picks up phone, dials 9] yes
son: now don’t get mad
me: [dials 1] ok
son: do we have a fire extinguisher
me: [dials 1]
Dear commercial,
If my family follows your advice and gives me Fitbit or exercise gear for Mother’s Day, prepare yourself for a lawsuit.
*walks into hospital carrying baby*
“What’s your return policy on this thing?”
I, for one, understand ingrown hairs. I too have seen the world and would like to go back to where I came from
“If the landlord asks, you’re a Chihuahua.”
Honey, your skirt is so short that your STD is showing.
I just learned that in the US you have to pay money to cross a bridge in your car lol like you can’t convince me that America is real.
The best part about sex is the roundhouse kicks.
My secret to making condoms more comfortable is telling men how badly I want a baby
When beer and cheese isn’t the answer… Change the question
this tweet changed my entire outlook on life
Dads, when there’s 38 things to do before everyone is ready to leave: I’m going to go wait in the car.
JUDGE: so u plan to plead insanity?
ME: let me double-check with my counsel
*A googly-eyed sock puppet whispers in my ear*
ME: yes ur honor
*bumps into an acquaintance in a world where there’s no such thing as weather* Uhhhhhhhhhhh
Looks like mommy just painted her fingernails… time to take a shit!
-my baby