If Kevin Bacon didn’t acknowledge his kids as “Bacon Bits” I’ll be forever disappointed.
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Every so often, someone in the know has a momentary lapse in judgment, and you get a glimpse of what geopolitics in the 21st century is actually like.
This is one of the most illuminating tweets ever in that regard:
Sorry, can’t. I looked away while my child was in the middle of an hour long run-on story and now he has to start all over.
I do my best parenting lying down (allowing my kids to sleep in the bed with me so they don’t come in and wake me up at 5 am)
HER: help I’m drowning!
ME: what’s the magic word?
HER: *gurgling* PLEASE![Later]
ME: *quietly to coroner* it was abracadabra
My friend: Have you ever tripped on mushrooms?
Me: Yeah I’m very clumsy
My boyfriend said we can’t hang out this weekend because he doesn’t exist.
when serial killers go for a run do they take the psycho path
knowledge is knowing the difference between ‘poisonous’ and ‘venomous’
wisdom is not arguing with your partner about it when they’ve been bitten by a snake
worm gf: would you still love me if i was a beautiful woman
[2019 USA]
“Where are you from?”-Trumpsylvania, how about you?
“North Trumpkota”
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet baby girl
2: *starts crying* These are my only feet!
(Jupiter –
New mom: any advice?
Mom 1: sleep when the baby sleeps
Mom 2: eat when the baby eats
Me (who has no children): check your email when the baby checks their email
ME: oh no inanimate objects are coming to life
FRIEND: what where
ME: look out the window
STEPHEN KING: But the warning came too late. The evil window attacked
[in a club]
ME: have you seen my moves?
HER: no
ME: *shows her photographs of my last four apartments*
If I could rearrange the alphabet I would put U & I and your hot friend Amber together.
SON: mommy I’m scared of the bogeyman
ME: there is no bogeyman honey
SON: he’s not real?
ME: oh he’s very real. but I hunted him down years ago
SON:
ME: there was so much blood
SON:
ME: [whispers] his head is in the basement freezer
Just watched a guy smell his debit card….I have some questions.
I accidentally complimented only one of my kids and their sibling lost their mind. As any parent knows, ice cream resolves this situation, but you should give the kids some too.
“Shut up or I’ll eat your lunch.” Bad fight script writing or okay parenting? You decide.
I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
Hippos at the Cincinnati Zoo getting some pumpkin snacks.
~Little Mermaid family meeting~
Ariel…. We found this hidden in your top drawer.
*places sea cucumber on table*
According to WebMD, given my symptoms, I died 9 years ago.
Do yourself a favour: get a dog. Before I got a dog I was ridiculed for walking around with a bag of shit
English is kinda weird but I’m so glad it isn’t a gendered language. It is none of my business what gender bread identifies as.
Breaking up with random numbers is my new hobby.
at soccer practice a mom next to me asked her kids if they wanted to do cartwheels with her and i’m like shut up no one likes you
Him, a vampire: This isn’t going to work.
Her: Is it because my name is Buffy?
Him: Yes.
Her: Hey, don’t hate the slayer, hate the name.