(second date)
me: [eager to show off new tattoo] remember how you said you liked garlic bread
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My little niece ate her chocolate Easter bunny’s face because she “didn’t like the way it was looking at her”
I’m locking my bedroom door tonight
*Listens to We Didn’t Start the Fire by Billy Joel*
*Adds history major to resumé*
Right on, adults who are excited for Halloween. I too get excited about things meant for kids. Last week I lost my shit because I saw a frog
sure I’ll interpret that dream for you, it’s about hydration, they’re all about hydration. why else would you be driving a bus full of chickens.
[dog wedding]
[Bride throws bouquet into crowd]
[Groom catches it, gives it back to Bride]
[Bride throws bouquet again]
[Groom catches..
Saw a woman on a dating site who says she’s looking for God. I’m thinking she’s not His type.
THE TOP TEN WORDS OF 2012!!
1. End
2. Of
3. Year
4. Top
5. Ten
6. Lists
7. Are
8. Exercises
9. In
10. Stupidity
[at Doctor’s office]
“When’s the last time you had sex?”
Last night.
“With a male or female?”
Oh…with another person?
Dating tip:
Girls like guys who takes control. Pick up a horse and ask “Where should I put this horse?” When she tells you, say no
Dog Lawyer: Permission to treat the witness as hostile?
Judge: Granted
Dog Lawyer: *bares teeth*
Roomba: *revving suction noises*
I am ‘being spanked and told to nap is punishment’ years old
*winks*
King Charles should make Sir Elton and Sir Paul joust.
Anyone who thinks scientists like agreeing with one another has never attended a scientific conference.
I used to have to read my kids a bedtime story every single night until I started randomly killing off characters to amuse myself.
Not to brag, but I can unhook a bra using just a bent paper clip, some WD-40, and my reading glasses.
Tuba = Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus
Hi I’m Dan, welcome to identity theft club
*from back of room
“me too”
“me too!”
“uhhh, yeah me too”
Ok, we’re off to a great start guys
date: you can’t seriously be mad
me: [one french fry fewer than before] i just hope i don’t starve
ME: mom we’re out of eggs again!
MOM: it’s ok, there’s cereal
[later]
ME: *throwing cheerios at the mean neighbor’s house* this sucks
4k tvs? no thanks i only need one
There are 2 kinds of people in this world:
1. People who aren’t good with numbers
Me: You said you wouldn’t dream of disturbing me
my kid: Yeah, but this isn’t a dream
“Dad, you were at 63%, so I unplugged your phone to plug mine in”
*Drives ex-son to homeless shelter
Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Hopefully, on paid administrative leave.
[vasectomy]
Doctor: how did that vase get in there, again?
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
Ken is short for chicken
kidnapper: [on the phone] pay the ransom to get your son back
dad: oh god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: son listen money doesn’t grow on trees
You gotta hand it to him. Otherwise, we can’t finish this relay race.
I’ll never reveal my secrets.
Alcohol: Lol.