Husband looking through take out bag: Did you forget my tacos?
Me spewing taco shell crumbs: Thofe baftards mufed have forgot to pack fem.
You Might Also Like
I see Atheists are fighting and killing each other again, over who doesn’t believe in any God the most. Oh, no..wait.. that never happens.
*maintains eye contact with the McDonald’s employee while slowly filling my cargo shorts with free napkins*
Cauliflower is just broccoli that’s seen a ghost.
What idiot called it a driver’s test and not a Game of Cones?
When my wife says “Guess what today is.”
I really would love to see two mimes arguing
I’m my own family, I say as I plow through the family-size bag of barbecue chips.
Finished building birdhouse. Bird couple coming by tomorrow. In their price range.
i type in all lowercase because i hate capitalism
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35
For Mother’s Day, I told my teens, I’m going to reenact every detail of each of your births.
Me: Do you ever get the feeling that people are laughing at you behind your back?
My husband: Not really
Me: You’re not very perceptive
My son cried when I gave him his breakfast this morning. I made him scrambled eggs, covered them in ketchup & told him it was Humpty Dumpty.
I hope the next variant mutates to turn everyone into Cats, makes this all worthwhile.
I’ll never salute you, General Settings
flight attendant: sir u can’t bring that on the plane
me: this is my emotional support refrigerator
Me: *listening to the puppy drink water in the next room* you’re creating urine. Please stop
We all make silly mistakes like when I asked the lady with massive lip injections if she was allergic to bees.
How is a guy supposed to take a nap in his car during lunch hour if people keep knocking on the window saying things like “are you ok?” and “you’re rolling down a hill.”
I told him I like a big vocabulary and now he won’t stop using 72pt font.
My 12yr old just handed me his proofs from picture day but before I could open the envelope he says “First, let me explain”
ME: nice fanny pack u weirdo
KANGAROO: *puts phone in pouch, pulls out a knife*
ME: holy shit
Just finished a book about an immortal pet dog. I couldn’t put it down.
My goldfish died. The good news is I’m inheriting a tiny treasure chest.
Before I met my wife I only used bar soap in the shower.
Last week I threw a tantrum like a five year old because I ran out of ocean salt scrub for my beard.
Me: I only wanted a little mayo! I can’t eat this!
Him: Does it matter that much?
Me: Well, would you like me to stab you a little or a lot?
Sorry, I didn’t mean to text you a graphic description of my explosive diarrhea. Stupid autocorrect.
when nothing goes right… go left
[Barnes and Noble]
CASHIER: anything else?
ME: four barns and your finest noble please
CASHIER: get out