Fun fact: you don’t need to be naked to thumb wrestle. Or oiled up
You Might Also Like
Allow me to slip into something more out the window.
A pronoun referring to a specific thing previously mentioned, known, or understood.
That.
Did Ace of Base ever do another song wherein it was explained what happened to her original baby?
[Pulled over]
Sir do you know how fast you were going?
MY DOG IS IN LABOR!
Oh! In that case *scribbles*
Here is a ticket for littering.
I love when really expensive products say ‘apply generously’ like of course you would say that
It’s the weekend; time to get my nopes up.
Oh no 😂😂💔😭
I really hope my house is haunted because I don’t want to pay to fix those noises.
My daughter just put a box of un-frosted Pop Tarts in my grocery cart so I walked out and left her there.
Good luck with that life.
[knock on my front door]
Me: *pulls out finger gun and looks through peephole* Who’s there? What do you want?
Delivery Man: You ordered a pizza?
Me: *holsters finger gun* yeah, that’s right, sorry… *opens door*
Delivery Man: *shoots me with finger gun*
Stop me if you’ve heard this one
Daddy I’m full
Ok, but the kitchen is closed for the night
(after cleaning up dinner)
Daddy I’m hungry
Have you seen the new movie, “Constipation”? It may not have come out yet.
COME ON KRUSE #fencing
Thrilling chase underway
If you get on the train while people are still getting off, may your tea be forever cold
Pigeon open mic night.
I feel so stupid for believing in Santa Claus. How did I not realize this whole time it was my parents delivering the gifts to everyone in the world
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me. Try to fool me three times, I bite you
When making small talk at a tweet-up, avoid using the word “fungus.”
“and this blood shall be called A+”
all the other blood types: “k wow we’re like right here”
I always wondered if the distinct piss smell that Burger King is known for is authentic or if it’s just a spray they use.
ME: hmm…tastes like chicken
MORTICIAN: get out
STOP WHINING KIDS! If mommy wants to listen to a bunch of people whining for no reason, she’ll log into twitter.
Fashion designers:
What do you want?Women: uniform sizing across brands.
Fashion designers:
Bwahahaha!
*7 talking to my father*
7: You were in a war?
My Dad: Yes, Vietnam.
7: Did you die?
“It’s not my fault I keep losing my gloves.”
– a kid whose fault it most definitely is-
A new study shows twitter is more addictive than crack.
A scientist who looks suspiciously like my wife said “better put down that phone.”
It’s cute when kids say what they want to be when they grow up. You’re gonna write emails on the computer buddy
My grandma just described my grandads driving as erotic and I’m seriously hoping she meant erratic or grandma has some kinks I don’t wanna know about
boss: have you been here all night?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] uh, yeah.
boss: trouble at home?
me: there’s a seagull standing on my car