at work when it’s slow and everyone’s mad i like to say “at least we have our health and are surrounded by friends” and everyone gets more mad.
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Just tried to parallel park. 5 people are injured, 3 critical, 6 missing. The casualties continue to mount
Everybody just wants to get off…
….This elevator because that guy stinks
I snuck into a field to get milk straight from the source. I had no idea it took so long to milk a cow. Maybe because it only had one udder.
Captcha: pick all the squares with worms
Me: *sigh* why is it always click bait
“No points, illegal kick to the face.”
“But I’m the hero of this movie.”
“Fair enough, here’s your trophy.”
-The Karate Kid
[slipping waiter a five dollar bill]
can you make sure my green beans and mac n cheese don’t touch on the plate
My toddler thought the moon was beautiful tonight. So beautiful that he wanted to give it a hug. Proving once again that kids are incredibly sweet.
And so so dumb.
If you introduce yourself as Sal, just know that I will be disappointed when you reveal that’s NOT short for Salami
Me: yeah I have a girlfriend, but she lives in a different country
Friend: what country
Me: um… Iceland
Friend: what’s her name
Me:
Friend:
Me: um… Coldy
Her: Do you love me?
Me: *changes subject*
Her: Did you just say *changes subject*?
nobody tell me how the eclipse goes today I’ll be watching it on delay
ikea instructions make no sense, why would they only give me one allen wrench to cook all these meatballs
When your name is Jenn & people think it’s short for Jennifer, but it’s really short for Jennatalia.
My husband and I had a few cocktails while we were out shopping and don’t remember what we bought the kids. I’m so excited to see what we got them on Christmas morning.
There are only a few more shopping days left until your loved ones find out how little you understand them.
Twitter handles are like bands from the 90s. I don’t really remember anything they wrote, but when I see their name, I have a vague sense of whether I hate them or not.
“Excuse me, sir, I’m going to have to ask you not to sleep in the library.”
“Why are you bothering me right now? What if I was dead?”
“I’m afraid we discourage that as well.”
Iron Man
Iron Man
Does whatever an iron can
Makes stuff hot
Makes stuff flat
Burns your hand
Burns the cat
Burns the house down . .
Shit!
Back in my day we used ter wake up at tha crack o’ dawn to tend to these here tweets
It would be easier on everyone if my kids’ teachers would cut out the middle man and email my homework assignments directly to me.
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
Dated this guy who took me to his parents Christmas party. They put out a punch bowl and I threw my date’s and his dad’s car keys in it
When I say “wow, that’s crazy”, 99 percent of the time, it means I haven’t been listening to a word of your conversation.
Whenever my wife gets smug about winning an argument I like to remind her that up until a year ago she thought narwhals were mythological creatures.
Isn’t is weird how we have one million dog breeds and everyone is like “goldendoodle” this or “chihuahua mix” that and if you ask someone what type of cat they have it’s just like “an orange one”
I shower with a suicide note in case I slip and die, at least I can make it look intentional instead of stupid.
Don’t charge people for Twitter itself but charge them every time they tweet
Would stop most of the arguments on here. No way am I spending money debating with Loves_2_Spooge69 on why Spider-man having an extra line on his mask in NWH is ok.
Mosquitoes use a numbing agent so we feel no pain from their bites. This is one easy way to tell if you were bitten by a mosquito or a shark
*goes to get phone out of car
*sees car has been stolen
*finds phone in back pocket
OH THANK GOD
I found a body in the trunk of my car today, which is disturbing because I remember leaving 2 in there..