If you’re wondering who the dumbest person in the world is, I put latte mug of tea in the microwave, but the mug was too tall, so I poured some tea out and tried to put the mug back in.
You Might Also Like
[birdwatching]
Ah, let us behold the majesty of the Bald eagle. And let us acknowledge the social awkwardness of the Combover eagle.
Congratulations parents! You made it through the Terrible Twos! Your child is now three!
You’re gonna want to be sitting down for what I’m about to tell you…
I waited 9 months for my daughter to finally say “mama” but I had to wait 9 long years to finally hear her say “you’re a much better driver than dad.”
We are gathered here today because our ancestors didn’t have condoms.
So apparently “You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my real dad!” isn’t of much use when dealing with armed cops.
i made cheesy potato soup & my 5-year-old walked into the kitchen and told me it “stinks like a raccoon”
guys what if I accidentally brought home the wrong baby from the hospital because I don’t know if this one is mine
Mean Girls 2020: “Gross, isn’t that the mask you wore yesterday?”
it is now officially the weekend do not bother me unless you are Taylor swift
The reason that aliens have never visited us is because our solar system has received terrible reviews.
We only have one star.
“Cake by the Ocean” probably has some alternate meaning but I’m too old to really care so I like to think it’s about a nice, young fellow eating birthday cake on the beach.
People would probably like hospitals better if they had water slides & the nurses were strippers
My son just asked what erectile dysfunction is so I told him it’s when your anaconda don’t want none regardless of the presence of buns.
Her résumé lists “attention to detale” under strengths.
Take your glasses off. Hold them up to a light to see if they’re dirty. Now try to do it with your mouth closed.
[ cooking class ]
teacher: first, we’re going to sweat the onions
me: *uncomfortably close to cutting board* where were you on the night of june 22nd
In hell you’re given 1 child and you have all of eternity to get that child to finish their dinner.
Oh, you’re a stoner?
Name every stone.
5yo came in, threw his backpack down and said “holy melancholy.”
Me: rough day, buddy?
5: I need a glass of milk. Now.
They should just report when there WASN’T a shooting in Florida at this point
[Diner]
Waitress: Cops, and kids 5 and under eat for free
*me, discreetly nudging my 6 year-old*
my 6 year-old: im a police
quick how do i lose 15lbs in a month without changing a single thing
“Then we are agreed: we shall have a duel to the death at sunrise. And if I oversleep you will start without me.”
sibling culture is not talking to each other for awhile and then texting them “this is you” along with a picture of an ugly bird you found online
No. I wasn’t being sarcastic.
I was being a giraffe.
My company has a nicotine like addiction to conference calls.
[me as a passenger on the titanic]
oh ewww are there olives in this salad? YOU be quiet lillian, i swear this trip cannot possibly get worse
My apologies to your congregation. I totally misunderstood when you asked for missionary volunteers
Okay, I can see the head, keep pushing!
*stares at phone*
why cant i sleep
*puts phone face-up on bed, the screen brigtness bathes my room in a light mor powerfubl than the sun*
oh