80’s rap was like being in 5th grade and trying to find words that rhymed with “hat.”
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What ever happened to simple filters like Black and white or Sepia? Now I need to choose from Funfetti Hufflepuff or Pixie Rave Donkey Punch.
Geez, you have 3 birthdays in a month & suddenly the restaurant gets all, “We need to see ID before you get a free birthday dessert, Ma’am”.
Is this cat saying Meow or Mao? Cause I’m not keepin some commie cat
My GF: so… do you like my new nylons?
Me [thinking about robbing a bank]: oh yes
“You’re great in bed.”
— me, talking to my breakfast
Me: it’s time to go
Kids: wait. I cannot possibly leave without my emotional support toothpick but I don’t know where it is
Do you ever really know if your bagpipe is in tune?
I wish my 3yo ate dinner as well as he eats toothpaste
Cop: you’re under arrest. we found your blood at the crime scene
Me: how??
[Earlier]
Me: better floss before drowning this guy
Construction sites are dangerous places. I nearly blacked out holding in my stomach as I walked past one.
Bank robber: Follow my instructions and no one gets hurt.
Me: Okay.
Bank robber: Empty the safe and put it in the bag!
Me: Put the empty safe in the bag?
Bank robber: Do you want me to draw my gun?
Me: Okay. I’ll get you a pencil.
She says, the kids want to go to the circus.
I say, that I just saved us $400 by jumping out of the kid’s closet wearing a clown costume.
Oh you’ve jumped out of an airplane? Well, I’ve run down the stairs in SOCKS, so I think we’re even
Look lady, I’m sure your Onlyfans is nice but let’s wait until this funeral is over to talk about it.
Nothing says I don’t want to be here like taking the gym elevator to the second floor.
The difference between your husband and your Netflix account is, over time, your Netflix account learns what you like.
My 3yo plays a version of hide-and-seek where if you find her, she cries.
I think parents should choose unisex names for their babies like Parsnip or Brisket.
Guys, I really think 50 Shades missed out on a really a big marketing slogan…
“CLIMAX IN IMAX”
The people who make sexy noises when they stretch are my kinda people.
“How many people have you slept with?”
– Someone who wants to hear a lie
COPS: We know you killed him
ME: I didn’t do it!
COPS: really? *starts playing Shakira*
ME: wait no
MY HIPS: HE’S UNDER THE FLOOR BOARDS
Me: *disappears for a few weeks*
Friends: *No concern*
Me: *Posts inspirational quote on FB*
Friends: Dude, you okay? You need to talk?
When you’re in the hospital on morphine, a fun game to play is “were my eyes closed for 20 seconds or 2 hours”
Zipping up jacket on myself: easy, tabs fit together perfectly, zipper glides up nicely
Zipping up jacket NOT on me: nothing works, these pieces don’t even fit, how did I break it?
Lol how “take you out” could mean either we’re going on a date or I’m gonna kill you.
Apparently I can’t enroll someone in anger management classes against their will.
Now what the hell am I supposed to do with my toddler?
Drumpf’s presidential campaign in reverse: an increasingly laughable story of an egomaniac running for an office he couldn’t possibly win
ok so i’m watching gladiator and the romans are white people with british accents. ok hollywood. alright.
The only good thing about people who wear too much cologne is that they’re easier to set on fire.