Saw a video for vegan cauliflower icecream on fb and heard the four horsemen of the apocalypse thunder overhead.
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3,026 years from today, life will either be really good or really bad.
It’s 5050.
Hi, I would like to file a complaint against everything.
Me: Are the bowling trophies included?
Realtor: Haha
Me: …
Realtor: …no, they aren’t
Me: I’m not interested then
me doing my taxes: will i go to jail if i write off this pen?
some rich guy doing his taxes: deduct “the sea”
These life hack videos are getting out of control like no I don’t want to make a life jacket out of an old peanut butter sandwich
Do furries go to doctors or vets?
Best vacation spots:
1. My Bed
2. My Couch
3. That corner spot at the bar
4. Air ducts at work
He told her that trees blossom in her presence. What he meant was that she scares the sap back up into them.
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
[first day as a getaway driver]
ME: how did I do
BANK ROBBER: you didn’t need to keep honking I knew you were out there
My Aunt Mabel was fond of saying that something was “uglier than homemade sin” but when asked what store bought sin might have looked like, she’d just get pissed.
A frisbee hit me lightly on the shin and I’m at the age where this might be a lifelong injury.
If you bake, you’re a baker.
If you bake a baker, you’re a murderer.
Too bad Bill Nye knows science because if he didn’t he could be Bill Deny the Anti-Science Guy
LIFE HACK: Tired of the neighbors’ noisy kids playing in front of your house? Sign up for the sex offender registry
My what?
Yes aunty, I do like jello. And, of course, I adore feta . Why did you have to combine them
They say you become what you hate and so I am terrified I’m going to become a young, vibrant beautiful man who’s loathful life is full of undeserved luck and success.
I turn to my freezer as I fill up an ice cube tray with water. “Hey, can you do me a solid?”
Housetraining our dog which is why my participation in this morning’s Zoom meeting ended with, “Well, right now I’m working on upgrading myNOOOOOO NOO NO OUTSIDE OUTSIDE”
Friend: [rubs my shoulder] Aw, honey, your life isn’t over. It’s just beginning!
Me: *sobs even harder
If I ever found a unicorn it would probably only be about 5 minutes before I put it’s horn in my mouth.
*puts lips to microphone*
Microphone: I have a headache
I thought that my dog waking me up to poop in the middle of the night was exhausting until she started pooping to wake me up, which is WAY worse.
I bet someone said “Do what makes you happy” to Hitler too.
If your phone fell in a toilet, you would…
1995: …leave it, toilets are gross
Today: [wrist-deep in urine] BRING ME A BOWL OF RICE NOW
The collective noun for a group of narcissists should be an ‘egosystem’.
Exercise good judgement? I don’t think so, I don’t exercise anything.
MY BODY: You should exercise
ME: That sounds good
MY BODY: Because it’s heathy
ME: Yeah!
MY BODY: And makes you feel good
ME: Definitely!
MY BODY: Let’s go exercise!
ME: I’m lost
me: hey i noticed you always sit alone wanna find a seat together?
bus driver: can’t but thanks