I may be nodding and smiling, but I’m secretly diagnosing you.
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director: ok, hit the lights
me: *slaps a lamp*
director: no i meant kill the lights
me: *pulls out a gun*
A pregnant pause is like a regular pause but it doesn’t have a period.
mosquitos out here really acting like it’s ok to go person to person without using a rubber
Having a loose stool means two completely different things depending on if you are a nurse or a bartender.
I bet the first guy who threw shit into a fan never knew what an incredible legacy he would leave.
HER: I just put the baby down for his nap
ME: maybe he’ll actually sleep this time so we can have sex
BABY:
Talk to me like you’re trying to steal my credit card number, baby
My Grandpa: killed 17 Nazis and singlehandedly saved his entire battalion in WWII
Me: Sits around all day making up stories about my Grandpa
(making the first gang) and we all have to wear the same color. it’ll be cute.
I expect 8 to defy me, but my wife telling him to “SWEEP THE LEG!” is uncalled for.
I read that Miley Cyrus will be starring in a remake of Silence of the Lambs.
She’ll be playing Hannibal Montannibal.
“dress for the job you want”
“ok!”
*shows up to work naked*
“what are you doing”
“i don’t want a job”
My 6yo wouldn’t eat his chocolate chip muffin bec there were too many chocolate chips in it, and now I…I just…I’m gonna need a min here.
You vacation in America but you refuse to tip? Well what if I came to France but refused to genuflect before the town cheese wheel?
Me being confident.
I am 99% sure I did it, well 90% anyway.
Ok.. 50%.
Did I do it?
tattoo artist: but what if they change prices?
me: just draw it
[later watching TV]
commercial: the taco bell 5 dollar box is now just 4 bucks!
me: motherf
Why is everyone worried about meteors instead of the possibility that Russia just got their own Superman?
ever wonder what the rest of Michelangelo’s David looks like
Just ate the last slice of pizza and I wish there was more. Suddenly all of Taylor Swifts songs make sense to me.
I hate when I’m checking out a bag of chips, and the guy standing in front of it, thinks my lustful gaze is meant for him.
if you have a roomba but don’t dress it up in little outfits then what are you even doing
My general rule about animals is if I can catch it, I can pet it. If it can catch me…well, I’ll get a few pets in first.
I knew someone who shared a birthday with her brother, and their sister’s birthday was the day before, and I always felt like that gave me way too much info about their parents
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
why do men take selfies like they’re being held hostage & can only communicate through their eyes that something terrible is happening
*makes breakfast for two
*eats both of them
Every time I bend over to pick something up, my husband magically appears behind me.
2010’s:
Swallowing a Tide pod2020’s:
Swallowing an Air pod
Champagne says I’m classy. Vodka says I can do anything I want. My therapist says I have to stop talking to my drinks.