When the person representing himself in court tries to make the Judge in the case take the witness stand because “only God can judge,” that’s the moment all the hassle of law school is totally worth it.
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the lights on this hospital in my hometown have gone out in a majorly unfortunate way :/
[when someone likes me]
*eyes narrow* but I don’t even like me
The cable company told me they would send a guy out and I need to be home between the hours of 1pm and 2014.
The Dow fell 500 points last night, indicating that the start of the Halloween season has investors spooked
I watched a guy at the gym put his shoes on like:
Sock, shoe. Sock, shoe.
And then he walked away like it was completely normal.
Me: *pressed against glass* they can’t keep us apart, they can’t deny our love, you’re my lobster
Aquarium owner: *into walkie talkie* security
Me: *being dragged away* WAIT FOR ME LEONARDO DA PINCHI
the song “pour some sugar on me” was written about shredded wheat cereal and i won’t be taking any discussion on this.
4-year-old: I found a caterpillar. It’s not poisonous.
Me: How do you know?
4: I licked it.
A little about me: I’m a beekeeper. I see a bee, I keep it. I don’t care whose bee it is. Should have been watching it better.
LOL
My exes dying words were, “you’re obviously in one of your moods”
assistant: sir, profits have decreased by 50%
shrink ray company CEO: excellent
Everybody makes fun of your big purse until you pull out a cheesecake
If I saw somebody eating a taco like that, I would slap that taco out of that hand.
Since I’ve been scared of flying people have always tried to assuage said fear with “planes are way safer than cars!” and Boeing said “never mind!!!”
“Your dinner is good, but my taste buds can’t appreciate it” my son said, so I guess he’ll have a great career in politics
3 yr old: Grandpa, did your parents name you grandpa?
Based on the incessant amount of times the song is sung in our house we are definitely talking about Bruno.
Pancake in Spanish is panqueque, which translates back into English as *does raise the roof motion* bread whaaaat whaaaat
MECHANIC: listen, I’m not sure if I can fix this
FRED FLINTSTONE: *cradling his broken legs*
My neighbor’s looking at me like she’s never seen a guy stuck in her doggy door before. And what’s with the screaming? And the golf club?!
Forgot I started my stopwatch. It’s now been 139:27.05 since I wondered how long it takes me to run five miles.
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
You guys beat up on Catholicism, but any time you need an exorcism, there you are dialing up the rectory.
Friend: You know that country song that goes-
Me: No.
I’ve named my cat “Before” & my chihuahua “After.”
It works better if I introduce them wearing a lab coat and clipboard, giggling.
[chameleon conference]
Boss: Is… everyone here?
*crickets*
Boss: I know Keith is. He brought the yummy crickets. Thx
Keith: You’re welcome
Tequila, because sometimes you and your toilet need to hug it out.
FRIEND: I just found out my kid lost another tooth
ME: Really? Which one?
FRIEND: Katie
ME: Wow, I didn’t know your kid named his teeth
CINDERELLA: my parents r dead
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: im being abused
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: i need a new outfit
FAIRYGODMOTHER: hi